For this episode, I’m doing something a bit different. I’m featuring five chapters from the audiobook Fierce Intimacy by Terry Real. What you will hear in this episode will help you identify both your and your partner’s losing strategies in relationships and help you move from disharmony to repair. Terry is the creator of Relational Life Therapy, or RLT, which underpins all his books, courses, and teachings and equips people with the powerful relational skills they need to make love work. He is also the author of five books, including the New York Times bestseller Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship.
And if you’d like an extra dose of calm, I recommend checking out Henry Shukman, a past podcast guest and one of only a few dozen masters in the world authorized to teach Sanbo Zen. Henry’s app, The Way, has changed my life. I’ve been using it daily, often twice a day, and it’s lowered my anxiety more than I thought possible. For 30 free sessions, just visit thewayapp.com/tim. No credit card required.
Excerpted from Fierce Intimacy: Standing Up to One Another with LOVE by Terry Real (Sounds True, 2018). Used with permission.
Please enjoy!
Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Overcast, Podcast Addict, Pocket Casts, Castbox, YouTube Music, Amazon Music, Audible, or on your favorite podcast platform.
Want to hear another podcast episode that deals with overcoming relationship obstacles? Listen to my conversation with psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel, in which we discussed the challenges of therapizing couples in pandemic quarantine, the rewards of reframing our self-image, maintaining connection in long-distance relationships, coping with loneliness, the importance of maintaining personal rituals during trying times, and much more.
What was your favorite quote or lesson from this episode? Please let me know in the comments.
SELECTED LINKS FROM THE EPISODE
- Connect with Terry Real:
- Fierce Intimacy: Standing Up to One Another with Love by Terry Real | Amazon
- Us: Getting Past You & Me to Build a More Loving Relationship by Terry Real | Amazon
- What is Relational Life Therapy (RLT)? | Relational Life Institute
- Zen Master Henry Shukman — 20 Minutes of Calm, Plus the Strange and Powerful World of Koans | The Tim Ferriss Show #560
- Henry Shukman — Zen, Tools for Awakening, Ayahuasca vs. Meditation, Intro to Koans, and Using Wounds as the Doorway | The Tim Ferriss Show #531
- Meditation Training Program | The Way
- The “Still Face” Experiment by Dr. Ed Tronick | UMass Chan Psychiatry & Behavioral Sciences
- James Framo on the First Day of Your Real Marriage | Terry Real, Instagram
- It’s Time For a Relational Reckoning | Terry Real, YouTube
- My Big Fat Greek Wedding | Prime Video
- Bringing Down an Empire: Gandhi and Civil Disobedience | Teach Democracy
- Releasing the Pressure: A Dive into Freud’s Hydraulic Model of the Mind | Ezra Brand
- Offending from the Victim Position | Center for Relationship and Sexual Wellness
- Does Withdrawing Ever Work in Relationships? | Terry Real, YouTube
- From Withdrawal to Reconnection: A Step-by-Step Guide | Terry Real, YouTube
- Terry Real’s Five Losing Strategies & Five Winning Strategies | Moonstone Counseling
SHOW NOTES
- [00:03:11] Harmony, disharmony, and repair: The rhythm of all intimate human relationships.
- [00:06:27] Harmony: Love without knowledge.
- [00:07:01] Disharmony: Knowledge without love.
- [00:10:01] Repair: Knowing love.
- [00:10:35] Stay or go? A relational reckoning.
- [00:12:04] Five losing strategies for getting from disharmony to repair.
- [00:13:21] Being right: Objective reality has no place in personal relationships.
- [00:16:35] Trying to control your partner: No one likes being controlled.
- [00:21:35] Unbridled self-expression: The barf bag approach to intimacy.
- [00:27:33] Retaliation: Offending from the victim position.
- [00:32:13] Withdrawal: Provacative distance-taking.
- [00:35:58] Shaking hands with your adaptive child — your losing strategy profile (LSP).
- [00:38:08] Lessons learned by comparing your partner’s LSP with your own.
PEOPLE MENTIONED
Pia Mellody
Kevin Rose
Peter Attia
Henry Shukman
Edward Tronick
Sigmund Freud
Ethel Person
James Framo
Belinda Berman-Real
Mahatma Gandhi
Comment Rules: Remember what Fonzie was like? Cool. That's how we're gonna be — cool. Critical is fine, but if you're rude, we'll delete your stuff. Please do not put your URL in the comment text and please use your PERSONAL name or initials and not your business name, as the latter comes off like spam. Have fun and thanks for adding to the conversation! (Thanks to Brian Oberkirch for the inspiration.)
It was hard to come to terms with this not being relationship advice from Norm Macdonald… the voice similarity is uncanny. Good stuff, though. Wondering if he speaks more about codependence and triggers from childhood trauma in relationships in other parts of the book. It’s nice to think the only factor we need to weigh in order to determine if we should stay with someone is ‘Are the benefits worth the setbacks’ or whatever the exact phrasing was. But I think sometimes we say ‘yes’ just because we’re terrified of being alone or abandoned, or we’re so used to putting up with being treated poorly that we think it’s worth it. I like the simplified approach, but I do think in many instances, it’s more complex. Also, this would have been better as a conversation with Tim, I missed his input, but enlightening nonetheless.
Terry Real recently wrote a piece for Psychology Today after the election and it is hard to believe that he can really help struggling couples. Our country is so divided and he did nothing in that article to try to heal that. I was so surprised by a therapist being so openly one-sided politically. What a strangely misguided thing to do as a couples therapist.
I admit I have not listened to the full podcast nor read Terry’s last book. That being said, I have read his book “I Don’t Want to Talk About It” cover-to-cover based on a recommendation from my therapist. I started therapy to better cope with stress at home and at work. I also admit to having used alcohol as a coping mechanism over the years. Too much of his book, “I Don’t Want to Talk About It”, is based on the premise “you need to stop alcohol for therapy to to be effective”, which my therapist also buys into. I have to remind my therapist that I am in therapy to reduce my alcohol consumption and that our therapy sessions ARE effective in improving emotional regulation leading to reduction in alcohol consumption and NOT the other way around as Terry advocates in his book… Needless to say, I am a bit of a skeptic of his work.
Tim, is the Meditation Mondays experiment over? I enjoyed it.
Thanks so much for this Tim. Refreshing twist on your usual schtick. Perfect timing and going to listen to it today. I work from home and with my partner, so this is going to be 2x insightful I’m sure.
Thank you so much for sharing the tips on relationship. I really liked the way you described things. Bookmarked this page, will come back for more. Please keep sharing…
[Moderator: website link redacted.]
Hey Tim, I saw you at Mohawk the other night and loved it (even without the chaps!) Also love your new game, congrats! I’m in Austin this week and wondering if you’re open to a date? Not sure if you’re still single but we share the same passions for travel, personal growth and venturing into the unknown. If you email me, I can send you more details on who I am! Let me know if you’re free Thursday or Friday night?
Hey Tim have been following and listening you for a long time, would love to hear a pod between you and Acharya Prashant(He is a vedanta exegete- he teaches Bhagvad Gita, Buddhist philosophies, Tao te Ching, etc ) someday.. I think it would be nice to have a rational spiritual teacher’s views in discussion for the world to learn from