Hi Friends,
Here is the second “real” chapter of THE NO BOOK, the book I am currently writing with Neil Strauss. As you’ll see, it’s a STEP comprised of a few pieces of writing.
Please leave your thoughts and results in the blog comments! I deleted all social media apps from my phone, but I will read all of the blog comments here.
And if you missed the first two chapters, the introductions from both me and Neil, you can find them here. You can find the previous step here.
Enjoy!
Tim
CORE CONCEPT: BIG ROCKS AND THE NOTHING
“Is it very painful?” Atreyu asked. “No,” said the second bark troll, the one with the hole in his chest. “You don’t feel a thing. There’s just something missing. And once it gets hold of you, something more is missing every day. Soon there won’t be anything left of us.”
—The Neverending Story
Whenever I’m tempted to re-download Facebook or Instagram to my phone, or any of those messaging apps, I repeat the words from the mid-80s movie War Games in reference to thermonuclear war: “A strange game; the only winning move is not to play.”
—Nick Bilton, Vanity Fair special correspondent and bestselling author
Long ago, Stephen Covey, author of the mega-bestseller The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, popularized a parable of the professor, big rocks, pebbles, and sand. He even added water for good measure! Perhaps you’ve read it. It’s a story of priorities. It’s worth retelling here, but I’ve added a few twists of my own.
On the final day of a college class, a professor brings four objects to the front of the room: a Mason jar, four rocks the size of golf balls, a handful of pebbles, and a big measuring cup full of sand. This professor, Professor Bastian, places the items on his desk and waits for the pre-graduation chatter to die down.
He then asks the students how they’d fit everything into the jar, inviting them to come up. One student puts in the cup of sand and then the pebbles—no rocks fit. Another puts in the pebbles, then the sand, and only two rocks fit.
The only way to make it all fit, a third figures, is to put in the biggest rocks first. Once the big rocks are in the jar, the pebbles settle around them, then the sand fills in the gaps. After doing this once, however, a healthy pile of sand remained on the table. The student tapped the jar on the table to settle the sand and added more. After repeating this several times, no more could be added, but still: sand remained.
And that’s the rub. The teacher deliberately made it impossible to fit everything in the jar. He used this exercise as a metaphor for priorities.
The jar is your life: all the time you have in your calendar. The rocks represent the most important things, the most exciting things, and the big dreams (e.g., launching a business, writing a book, spending time with loved ones, training for a marathon). The pebbles represent things that are still necessary but less exciting (e.g., paying bills, answering emails, running errands, routine work meetings). Last, the sand represents the things that are neither exciting nor mission-critical: all the B.S., the distractions, other people’s priorities, and “would you be open to…” requests that pull you from the big rocks and pebbles.
In the classic telling of this parable, the sand satisfyingly settles around the rocks and pebbles. Everything fits.
Here’s why I changed it — the sand doesn’t need to fit in your jar, and it never will. It’s a fool’s errand. In the modern digital world, there is more and more sand each year, and if you give it an inch, it will take a foot and ask for more.
It’s like The Nothing in The Neverending Story, my favorite novel from childhood. In the imaginary world of Fantasia, a land of dreams, The Nothing is a foreboding mist and dark, chaotic storm that expands in every direction, consuming everything. But instead of leaving destruction, it leaves something arguably more disturbing: a void.
The purpose of The Nothing is to make people lose their ability to dream, turning them into empty, controllable beings. If you’ve ever felt “the real world” choking off your childlike wonder, feeding a creeping cynicism, or distracting your dreams into non-existence, that is The Nothing at work.
Sounds exactly like the sand.
Social media, doom scrolling, “keeping up” with the news, fashionable nihilism, drama-rich friends, requests from loose acquaintances, keeping up with the Joneses, and so on. Sand = The Nothing. It will fill your jar, crowd out your dreams, and turn them into frustration, cynicism, resentment, or apathy… if you let it. It is the nature of the sand to fill gaps, it is time-sensitive, and there’s only one strategy that’s truly effective for stopping it:
Big rocks worth defending.
That is the only defense against The Nothing. Big rocks placed in your calendar and defended.
If someone looks at lots of empty space in the calendar and sees only a handful of doctors’ appointments, scheduled Zooms, and various unrelated bits and bobs, they’re going to say yes to all sorts of requests and shiny objects. Why wouldn’t they? It’s an attempt to create meaning through the collection of commitments.
I’ve been there, and it isn’t fun. That scattered feeling is far more anxiety-producing (“distress” = negative stress) than the focused, positive stress (“eustress” = positive stress) of having a bigger, worthwhile goal.
Scheduling big yesses will crowd out the questionable yesses. It is the solve-all.
Beware anything fashionable, as it’s usually sand disguising itself as big rocks. Bestselling author Seth Godin touched on this on my podcast:
“You can’t win while being everywhere,” he said. “Most of the people on Earth have never heard of you or me, and most of the people online have never connected with either of us. It’s a trap, a giant trap. A trap designed to suck our attention and our content away from us and give us very little in return. Maybe a little heart-shaped thing or a button that points up or a trend that makes us feel like we did a good job. This is all a trap. This isn’t what’s causing people to succeed. It’s not causing people to be able to make the impact that they seek.”
So don’t pursue the small masquerading as big.
But just as important, ensure that your rocks are rocks and not boulders, mountains, or anything too big to fit in the jar. There are many people who set their goals so high and lofty that they aren’t actionable. For example, “solve world peace” or “change the world” goals might sound great at dinner parties, but a better-sized rock is a better next action, whether organizing a specific campaign or event.
Seth advises:“My suggestion is whenever possible, ask yourself what’s the smallest possible footprint I can get away with?… What is the smallest possible project that is worth my time? … What is the smallest group of people who I could make a difference for or to? Because smallest is achievable. Smallest feels risky. Because if you pick smallest and you fail, now you’ve really screwed up. We want to pick big because infinity is our friend. Infinity is safe. Infinity gives us a place to hide. So, I want to encourage people instead to look for the small.”
To summarize, you want your rocks to be small enough to fit in the jar but big enough that you’re willing to fight for them.
THE NO HALL OF FAME: E.B. White
My tardiness in answering your letter was not due to press of business. Do not listen to that sort of excuse; I am at liberty, and so is anyone else who wishes to be at liberty. No man is at the mercy of affairs. He gets entangled in them of his own accord, and then flatters himself that being busy is a proof of happiness.
— Seneca, Moral Letters to Lucilius, Letter 106
In 1956, the writer E.B. White was selected for one of the most prestigious positions the United States had to offer an artist. Best known for the children’s classics Charlotte’s Web and Stuart Little, White also co-authored the most popular writing instruction book of all time, The Elements of Style.
In the book, he advises: “A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences.” And there are few better examples of following this rule than White’s 1956 response to a letter from President Eisenhower’s Chief of Staff, Sherman Adams.
Adams had written to E.B. White and invited him to join the President’s Committee of the Arts and Sciences, to support and advise the president on cultural matters. This hand-picked group would have the ear of the most powerful person in the world.
White, however, did not look forward to traveling to Washington, DC, and participating in this type of group activity. So, he sat at his desk and typed out the following response:
Dear Mr. Adams,
Thanks for your letter inviting me to join the committee of the Arts and Sciences for Eisenhower.
I must decline, for secret reasons.
Sincerely,
E.B. White
If White could use this to decline an invitation from the President, perhaps you can trot out something similar for at least one friend, relative, or drunk pest you met once at a party.
The lesson from E.B. White’s short and sweet response, and the reason for his entry into the No Hall of Fame, is this: we don’t always need to explain our no’s.
Our reasons can remain our secret. And if we are worried about how someone will react, remember that a little mystery is often better received than a flurry of excuses and apologies. It also makes our no much less negotiable, as there are fewer facts for someone to refute or try and work around (e.g., “You’re busy until May 15th? No problem. I’ll reach back on May 16th to set something up.”).
Of course, like horror movies and marmite, the “secret reasons” response is not for everyone. I’ll give you three alternatives that E.B. White could just as easily have sent to the White House. They use more empathic language but accomplish the same goal: a short, sweet decline that avoids giving specific reasons.
Each was adapted from three uber-busy but uber-thoughtful folks: HubSpot co-founder Dharmesh Shah, financial guru Ramit Sethi, and legendary restaurateur and Shake Shack founder Danny Meyer, in that order. These are single lines pulled from longer emails, but they can often stand alone:
- My heart says yes, but my schedule says no.
- Thanks so much, but I have to pass. I really appreciate you thinking of me.
- I thought carefully about this as it’s clearly something I’d enjoy, but am going to decline—with gratitude.
Borrow these and apply as needed to texts and emails, whether turning down a pot-luck dinner that requires you to do all the cooking, a co-worker’s birthday weekend in Cancun that’s out of your budget, or an invitation from the President.
Short often works where long fails.
Missed the first two chapters? Find them here. You can find the previous step here.
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this book is a yes
Thanks Tim for this. I have loved the Jar metaphor. And the short and sweet no messages, I’ll definitely be borrowing those.
All the best with the book!
I’m reading the serial release of these chapters concurrently with Time Management for Mortals because apparently I need to be bludgeoned with simple, yet powerful ideas for them to really seep into my thick head. I’ve spent the last year taking stock of my life and where I’m at and I came to the conclusion that the career I’ve put my heart and soul and sweat into for almost two decades isn’t worth it. I called up my manager and told him I was done and that I have nothing left to give the film industry – no to free development, no to grinding it out, no to chasing whatever silly trend everyone else was futilely chasing, which had always left me with nothing for myself or my community. I felt liberated walking away and I’ve found a vast reservoir of creative energy which I’m channeling into sustainability and climate solutions, something for which I have great passion about but had no time for (or that was the story I was telling myself). Knowing that tackling climate change is a mountain, I’ve identified the area where I want to make a big difference and I’ve thrown myself at it full force, with surprising results. A year ago, when I first contemplated this jump, I was sure I had no other skills than playing make believe. Instead, I’ve been rapidly leveling up on all kinds of skills it turns out I do have. I’ve even been offered a couple of enticing jobs making an impact in other areas, but after giving myself time to think (what a life lesson, you don’t have to give an answer right away!), I realized that while they were super cool opportunities that could lead somewhere great, I didn’t have the bandwidth to do that and the other things I’m pursuing so I turned them down. In fact, for last week’s assignment, one of the bullets on my Selfish Manifesto was saying no to worthwhile causes that I care about, but don’t actually have time for. I even wrote last week: “That’s not a rock I can pick up.” (I had come across a similar analogy in Oliver Burkeman’s book – thank you for introducing me to his work, by the way).
Love your work on this book. Keep going. I took a screenshot of the stand alone lines and plan on posting them near my computer for reference. E.B. White’s rejection is hilarious, but the gentler approaches are more in line with the energy I want to put out in the world.
Go you, Sarah! I’ve done something quite similar myself recently! I have dedicated so much of my consciousness over the past 25+ years to solving the many ills of healthcare – an Everest sized rock. This week I said a hard no to a continuing to live my life inside that hornet’s nest and the air is sweet out here! My next chapter will be infused with the creativity that is newly available to me with a focus on making a difference from a different angle. Stay tuned my Ferris Friends!
I was just having a discussion with my housemate about “the Nothing”, but the Nothing in our conversation was money. All of the strife and conflict and access around a whole lot of Nothing, except perhaps a very small, very short fire.
And thank you for JOMO!
Thanks a lot for sharing that – on it’s own, a “big rock” of an idea. The big picture down to granular (but I don’t want to equate it to “sand”) wording of how we might apply it to our lives is thoughtful and appreciated.
Maybe I haven’t been paying attention – this is the first I’ve heard this was in the works – and I’m looking forward to reading a print copy when the book is published.
Dear Tim.
I am reading and enjoying the No book thus far. It reminds me a lot of how “The Martian” by Andy Weir was written and published.
I appreciate what I’m about to write isn’t specific to the above chapter (and probably belongs in the sequel to the 4 hour Chef) but… given you said you will read the blog posts here it goes.
You have often described your life as 6 month projects and 2 week experiments. You have now studied under the best teachers in a truly remarkable number of disciplines over the past 20 years or so that I have been reading your material.
You published some of these learnings in the 4 hour Chef and the 4 hour body although I think mostly in the “meta” of how to learn (there are clear exceptions – your explanation of the total immersion approach to swimming was pivotal to me getting back in the water)
I hope you consider releasing more of the things you learned. Not just the “meta” skills of learning but the actual nuts and bolts of the individual things that you decided to explore. I am not sure if these might figure in the “No” book but I would love so much to learn more about this from you.
Perhaps a chapter on how you decided to say “No” to the 80% that was irrelevant so that you could say “yes” to the 20% that truly made a difference.
I appreciate this doesn’t specifically relate to the chapter you just released (which I truly enjoyed) but I hope you read the post and consider this if you haven’t already.
All the best
Long term student.
(I love the idea of declining for secret reasons)
Hi Tim!
I love the simple actionable examples of saying no, and then coming from these people makes them very convincing.
I liked the twist of the rocks, pebbles, and sand, but you kinda lost me in this paragraph. I skipped a big chunk of it thinking it was a repeat of the original story. When I reached the conclusion I had gotten the message, so I didn’t read it again.
For sure I’m lazy, just wanted to share my thoughts in case they help.
Also, your discussions with Seth are always gold, and from the last one I read Unreasonable Hospitality which influenced me deeply about what businesses can be, so seeing Danny Meyer and realising he also has a book was a very pleasant find!
Anyway, keep up the good work! Curious to see how this turns out!
My father always say you have to learn to say NO. Otherwise you will be remembered as a bu11shitter, because you cannot satisfy everyone you said yes to. So, I know all of this. Not so easy when starting to implement. But So satisfying!
Maybe you can figure out a way to help people to start to say NO.
Serial release forces me to chew. Makes time to savour the aftertaste and digest each serve. Normally I swallow books whole, greedy for the end but with this one I can’t. I like this way.
Could serial release be a thing for other books, classics even? To counter instant consumption.
Oh – and all the quotes so far are spot on.
Bronwyn, books used to be released in serial format, classics even – refer search about Charles Dickens books:
Charles Dickens’ books were released in serial format. In fact, all of his novels were originally published in serialized form, starting with his first novel, “The Pickwick Papers” (1836-1837), and continuing through his final uncompleted work, “The Mystery of Edwin Drood”. This format allowed readers to purchase fiction in affordable monthly instalments, often costing one shilling per issue, which helped expand Dickens’ readership and influenced his creative process. Most of his major novels were published in twenty monthly parts, with the last part being a double number. The success of this format not only democratized literature but also transformed the publishing industry by incorporating advertisements and fostering a close relationship between authors and their audience
Great chapter Tim! Thanks for sharing.
I would love to see some ways to get around the childhood conditioning to put others before self. The previous chapter talks about the selfishness manifesto, but I felt its mostly tactical. How do we deal with the emotional aspects of it. One can say no, and then keep sitting there waiting for the weight of the NO to go away. Or are there ways to deal with it.
Not surprised or amazed but the no need to argue our no’s did make me reflect on how angry we get when you say to something or someone no and they reclaim in words or through body language an explation. I have realized I have a lot of no’s with anger in my backpack
Awesome, Tim! I definitely can use more NOs in my life. Focus = peace of mind. Why do I feel this way? Because I certainly know the opposite to be true. Peace and love from Florianopolis, Brasil (heard you’ve been here before)
As someone who’s lived by Covey’s “four quadrants,” on board with this! Some thoughts after the first three chapters:
-Borrowing a lesson from Mark Maron: choose your problems wisely because you will have problems (paraphrasing). I’ve tried to coax my “sand” into alignment with my “rocks,” so even the “urgent, unimportant” things I do kind of have some importance such as practicing saying “no” (ironic!) or scrolling social where I’m learning something related to my rocks.
-Since reading the first two chapters, I consciously said “no” to a colleague asking for quite a bit of time and attention for someone I didn’t know and whose agenda didn’t align with mine. I was more direct than secretive but complimented my colleague on what she was doing even though I declined to participate. She sent a really gracious reply. This reminded me that another part of “no” is how to elegantly respond to no. Equally important as how to deliver one.
-If I’m going to say “no,” I reply as soon as possible. A quick no says “I don’t have to think about this, I’m not procrastinating, I really can’t do it and I knew right away.” A “no” after three weeks is a lot more insulting and harder to deliver.
-Saying “no” without apologizing or explaining. I made a verbal agreement with someone who surprised me by following up (later than promised) with a contract that did not align at all with what we discussed or my best interest. Usually I would negotiate, over-explain, want her to understand my POV. Instead, I declined to continue and said I didn’t have the capacity to explain or negotiate.
She replied with surprise and I resisted the temptation to explain. Chat GPT helped me with this, and it said, “It’s not your job to revise her contract.” That is the type of thing that would never have occurred to before conscious boundaries.
-The above aligns with the famous “when people show you who they are believe them — the first time.” I most certainly could have worked out the contract with her but she showed me her character and business practices and I didn’t want that in my life. It’s taken me decades to tune into this. You could save your readers a lot of heartache and grief if you include this in your “no” playbook.
I’ve continued on the train of wondering whether this book is really necessary. This chapter helped clarify some of the aims of the book – mostly, that it’s not a book on “how” to say no, but more important “why” it’s imperative we must say no.
Unrelated, but the book I’d love from you is a book on finding your niche. I’ve noticed so many of your interviews try to get to the when and where of how experts end up in their respective fields and positions. For the first time in my life, I feel overwhelmed by the many roads my life can take – and all the opportunities actually make me feel stuck. The diner menu metaphor fits in here – but there’s so much more to be said about exploring career paths and making changes. Most of us didn’t come out of the womb destined for a specific line of work. At 35 (the new midlife), I’m feeling the weight of wanting to dedicate my life to something more meaningful, and I have no idea how to make a choice. I often think of lines from Burkeman’s book – about how to decide means to “cut off” and that cutting off feels very scary; though I do admit that my inability to choose, which is causing me to stand still, is becoming even scarier.
Thanks for sharing the chapter.
Charlene, I found myself at a similar inflection point over the last few years. I knew I wanted to make a major transition and I felt paralyzed by all the directions I could go with the added pressure that, at 40, I needed to get started on whatever that next thing was so I was racing to make some decision until I came across a quote that said, “Change. But start slowly because direction is more important than speed.” I’m attempting to take all the pressure off and give myself the freedom to explore. I cut my expenses down to the barebones to give myself time and flexibility. I picked up freelance work in the career I’m leaving and set aside time to think and do nothing. After much research and soul searching, I started an internship at a non-profit in sustainability. I’m meeting people, learning with a beginners mindset and have no problem admitting I don’t know how to do something since I’m just an intern and no one expects me to be an expert. I’ve grown so much since I started and I’ve learned what I enjoy doing, what I’m good at, and more importantly, what I don’t want to be doing. Life is so short, but it can also be long and we have time for many journeys. If something is calling to you, I suggest a low-barrier way to try it out, like an internship. Good luck!
My immediate thought at alternative #1 was… “My schedule says yes, but my heart says no.”
Hahahahaha
I can’t tell you how much I needed to read this at this exact moment. Thank you. I’m looking forward to the rest of the book.
This is all brilliant! Thanks for releasing these chapters early for us. Can’t wait for the whole book! Your work has inspired me to take action to follow my dreams more times than I can count, and I know it will continue to do so.
Tim, here’s a bit of serendipity. I deleted all social media apps from my phone a few minutes before reading this post.
Here’s to breaking addiction to sand and giving more attention to the rocks and pesky pebbles in my life.
“Professor Bastian.” Nice touch.
Great chapter and point
Brief and in-depth. The perfect combination.
The metaphor is unforgettable too.
I can’t wait to try out the “NO” variations.
Thanks Tim!
I love the Rock, Pebble, Sand analogy and I believe I have seen a video on this before. I think it is a really impactful analogy, it’s like the statement, you can do anything you want, just not everything. This is a quote my dad says to me all the time, but I never acted upon, I also try to do everything.
I like thinking about my big rocks in my calendar and defending them with all my might. I think that is one thing in today’s world. I work fully remote, love it would not change it for the world. My daily commute is short, I have a private bathroom (although have to share them with the kids who sometimes forget the flushing part of the process) and can have a quick conversation with my wife when needed. Where I find the hard part in remote work is there is no spontaneous conversation that can be had. There’s no quick, hey really quick what are your thoughts on this at someone else’s cubicle. Everyone feels the need to take time on your calendar to have these “cubicle pop” conversations. And instead of making them for the length they will actually take, maybe 5-10 minutes” its a 30 minute meeting that is thrown on and sometimes there is the obligation we need to fill those 30 minutes with small talk before tackling the actual need for the conversation. So protecting my time is crucial and having the need to say no or, “hey I understand the need for this conversation, but I think we will only need 10 minutes to work through it, lets adjust the time of this meeting”. To me that will help protect and defend my big rocks.
Love the way this book is starting and cannot wait to continue to see the growth of it.
Hey Tim, this paragraph resonated a lot with me given my current life circumstances after having had a very full calendar over the past years:
“I’ve been there, and it isn’t fun. That scattered feeling is far more anxiety-producing (“distress” = negative stress) than the focused, positive stress (“eustress” = positive stress) of having a bigger, worthwhile goal.”
I indeed feel I don’t have enough things to say yes to and tend to end up saying yes to the wrong things. Would you be able to add a side note in your book or point to some ressources that can help find this bigger goal and larger meaning? It might be useful both at the beginning one’s life, but also mid life and probably even later when you want to reinvent yourself, change direction or simply add other projects.
I enjoy ever chapter and very much look forward to reading and most importantly implementing the full book. I also know at least 5 persons I want to gift it to!
All the best, Ed
“For secret reasons” is now in my lexicon.
Another no I’ve been liking. “It’s a short season of raising little humans, and my priority is to be the most available to them; for that reason I must decline but send thoughtful encouragement!”
I like to provide the reason because I think moms often need an example of someone saying no to remind themselves that they can do the same.
All the best for the book. I really liked the metaphors of “sand left on the table” and “defending the big rocks”.
I appreciate very much the inclusion of a quote from Seneca’s Letters in this chapter! I always find it humbling and encouraging to think that people alive hundreds of years ago indicated many of the same problems on themselves that we do today.
I’ve been enjoying the pace and timing of these chapters. I’m thinking about them more as a series of standalone essays than a book, and for me that’s a good thing–I often struggle to read longer form content on the Internet or my phone. I think middle-length works like these essay-chapters are a smart choice for the medium of a blog. They’re short enough to be actionable and long enough to be engaging.
I’m also enjoying the voice in these essays very much. I’m curious, are you working with an editor? Or are you workshopping the chapters between you until you agree they’re done enough to publish? Just wondering–as a fellow author I always want to know about other people’s under the hood process.
Tim, in my view this chapter is premised on the idea that a person knows what her big rocks are–she knows what she wants. But for some of us, answering the question “What do you want?” is not only hard, it’s triggering, emotionally painful even. Being able to have a want of one’s own is deep within the core of self-differentiation, of having a “self” at all. And for me, anyway, the very idea of doing what I want is almost itself a foreign concept. I hope the book will address that with something concrete–because it’s truly the hardest part of all of this–one can say yes to what one wants, and no to the rest, but only if it’s possible to identify the wants.
My text response to an invitation to join a group activity we didn’t feel like attending:
Hi xxx. We’ve decided not to join in the game event. Thanks for inviting us. Have a great time!
It was taken much easier than saying why: OK. Thanks for letting me know.
If we’d have said we didn’t feel like it, we would’ve been met with her feelings being hurt and a long back and forth battle and/or guilt trip.
I like text best also. It helps be short and sweet.
Have heard the jar metaphor years ago at church. I immediately realized two things:
I spent way too much time on the pebbles. For ex, I pay the bills in our family and I spent an inordinate amount of time sitting at my desk writing checks, putting them into evelopes, attaching stamps and return address labels, etc. Then, when the bank statement came, it took me an hour to reconcile it. Now I have all bills except one autopay to a credit card that gives me cash back. When I reconcile the bank statement, I have about 8 items; it’s done in 5 minutes.One reason I spent so much time on the pebbles was because, being a perfectionist, I was afraid to go after the big rocks and fail.
I love that Covey example. I have used it in my personal and work life and I have coached others using that example for over 25 years.
Adding the infinite amount of sand and have that represent the constant deluge of social media and other doomscrolling is fantastic. It never ends.
I too have removed FB and Twitter from my phone home screen and it is amazing how rarely I actually search for the apps and use them now.
The polite no is a great and simple way to decline those things that don’t fit your own schedule and goals.
I have not used the size of the rocks analogy before and what you say makes sense. I do wonder about Seth’s advice re the smallest footprint that you can get away with though. To me (and maybe this is just me) the project has to be big enough to be meaningful but small enough to be achievable.
I have a project that I want to build at the moment and it is currently too big (well too much new that I don’t yet understand) for me to reasonably tackle. I broke tasks down to the smallest possible and they do not meaningfully move me toward completion of the project, it is just another form of avoidance behavior from me. Small bits that really won’t add up to the project but will one day form part of the project (they are not the important bits). I need to find the middle ground and develop a part of the project that is the meaningful core and worry about all the edges later.
This may be what Seth means however characrterising it as smallest possible rather than the most meaningful portion might be misleading to some. I need to work on the most important rock and possibly break that down into bit sized chunks. Just a thought.
Your twist on the ‘rocks story’ made me laugh out loud! I’ve known the story and used it for many years, but never followed it to that (now) obvious and so-true conclusion.
I tried to implement the “say no” tactics from today and was unable to. I’m thinking it’s because today’s task wasn’t set-up in a way as to guide one into reflection and then towards action. I thoroughly enjoyed reading the advice and the relayed experience, but I couldn’t quite find my way towards implementation. Also, I’m thinking I really should keep my Selfish Letter or Decline Letter on hand while I’m on the computer or in a place where i can see it when I’m on the phone. I keep forgetting what I’m supposed to decline.
I didn’t really say no literally to anything that I can remember today, but I did breakthrough amazingly by finally listing the mayor projects I want to accomplish in the first two quarters of 2025. I was having a lot of trouble defining what I want to do with my personal, free time. And I did it! Thanks, Tim. The rock analogy really helped.
I think it’s important that we be able to say no to a lot of different things. As we reflecting our heart what’s important as your comment about the storms of sand and Pebbles is so illustrative of life. I don’t use very much social media my friends are probably but I can count on a hand and I realize relationships are the most valuable thing besides my integrity and my health. I like the path you’re going down.
I thought you might enjoy this small bit of information. David Bailey the well known and celebrated photographer lived and had a studio in a house close to Camden Town, North London throughout the sixties, seventies, eighties, according to legend he had a passport size photo of himself with the words ‘Yes he does live here” printed under neath pinned to the door. One way of saying no to intrusive door knocking.
The day following reading this chapter, I shared this concept with 3 different groups of people! This resonated so beautifully with me. The metaphor of rocks, pebbles and sand made it easy to explain and understand. Thank you for your wisdom.
Tim,
I saved the three examples of “thanks but no” in my phone Notes and am giddy at the thought of using them. Cheers for having more time for the big rocks!
Anne Lamotte: No is a complete sentence
I’m curious what other polite and succinct “no’s” people have used or heard of?
This is like a nice sweet pulling together of many different ideas and thinkers. Not much really new here, but I don’t mean that as a criticism; it’s often nice to be reminded of classic and impactful ideas through a new lens. I look forward to seeing more of the book!
As I get older I agree more and more with the concept of focusing on a small project that’s meaningful to you where you can create direct impact. I have heard many celebrated and successful people say this. However, how does that reconcile with people who clearly seek a public forum and public recognition, which seems like it would require large projects? Is it just that their sizing is different?
Other types of “sand”: emails (that you really don’t have to read). Such as: the “news” (just talk to people and they’ll get you caught up in about 5 seconds); interesting stories or gossip (is it more interesting than your life could be?); anything sales related (what would be the worst that would happen if you hit “delete”? Oh, yea, nothing!) This all comes from personal experience.
Sometimes, I find myself swimming in the sand, and that is not where I want to be. That’s for presenting another perspective.
I love E.B. White’s ‘I must decline, for secret reasons’. If I received that ‘no’ I would view it as a little gift, something I would wonder and think about. A little nugget of mystery to enjoy and spice up a few moments of my day.
I am a long-time reader and listener, I read 4HWW shortly after it came out, and all your other books since. I read the intro and 1st chapter of the No Book a couple days ago, and was thinking about it this morning, so I just now read the 2nd chapter. I really enjoyed it, and look forward to reading the entire book.
For much of my life I have had little issue in declining and saying no, and it has served me well. However, I do find myself occasionally slipping.. or the flip-side, in which I decline but then regret the abruptness with which I did so. I look forward to honing my skills, and opening up an even larger world of graceful liberty, decreasing inputs and increasing output.
There does not appear to be an English Audible version of The Neverending Story – for those of us who missed it earlier in life. Could you round up someone to record it for us? Thanks!
And my personal title for your book is “The Big Book of NO” 🙂
I can’t send a long comment, for secret reasons*****
Tim, Very well written chapter. And you have played by your rules of nothing unnecessary in the chapter. I