Hi Friends,
Here is the first “real” chapter of THE NO BOOK, the book I am currently writing with Neil Strauss. As you’ll see, it’s a STEP comprised of a few pieces of writing.
Please leave your thoughts and results in the blog comments! I deleted all social media apps from my phone, but I will read all of the blog comments here.
And if you missed the first two chapters, the introductions from both me and Neil, you can find them here.
Enjoy!
Tim
CORE CONCEPT: THE WILSON LETTER
If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.
— Jack Kornfield
I can’t give you a sure-fire formula for success, but I can give you a formula for failure: try to please everybody all the time.
― Herbert Bayard Swope, three-time Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist
Edmund Wilson, recipient of both the Presidential Medal of Freedom and the National Medal for Literature, was one of the most prominent social and literary critics of the 20th century.
His writing, honed at Vanity Fair, The New Yorker, and The New Republic, played a large role in introducing F. Scott Fitzgerald, Ernest Hemingway, and William Faulkner to the mainstream.
He realized, like most uber-productive people, that, while there were many practices needed to guarantee high output, there was one behavior guaranteed to prevent all output:
Trying to please everyone.
He had a low tolerance for distraction and shunned undue public acclaim. In response to almost all letters, he would respond with the below, putting a check mark next to whatever had been requested:
Edmund Wilson regrets that it is impossible for him…
…without compensation to:
read manuscripts
contribute to books or periodicals
do editorial work
judge literary contests
deliver lectures
address meetings
make after-dinner speeches
broadcast.
…under any circumstances to:
contribute to or take part in symposiums
take part in chain-poems or other collective compositions
contribute manuscripts for sales
donate copies of his books to libraries
autograph books for strangers
supply personal information about himself
supply photographs of himself
allow his name to be used on letter-heads
receive unknown persons who have no apparent business with him.
Ahead of his time not just in his literary taste, Wilson was also a trailblazer with his auto-response. It is an example of one of the most time-saving forms of no there is: The Pre-Emptive No. And the first step in your no journey is to understand the incredible, time-saving power of answering no before a request has even been made.
In brief, the pre-emptive no is a form of batch request processing. It involves creating iron-clad policies of what you will say no to in an automated message, whether it be a form letter, autoresponse email, voicemail, website contact page, or otherwise. This type of blanket response allows you to ignore any incoming messages that fall in the pre-announced no pile. If handled correctly, this can change how you approach your entire life.
Note that you don’t have to be as accomplished as Edmund Wilson to have a pre-emptive no. Every one of us is in the process of growing out of something we used to do. For some, like Wilson, that means signing books and giving free lectures. For someone else, it might simply be going to destination weddings, taking babysitting jobs, or doing shots when a friend is buying for the table.
Despite the length and severity of Wilson’s pre-emptive no, he was not a hermit or loner. He had a keen sense of what mattered. With good friends and good boundaries, he was able to get more done in a few years than most people get done in their lifetimes.
Okay, here is where we take a very deliberate pause:
Slow down and check in with yourself. How are you feeling after reading his letter and learning about the pre-emptive no? What is your inner voice saying, if anything? Really take a minute.
If I suggested that you use something similar, how would you reply to me right now? Close your eyes and take stock.
I’ve found the Wilson Letter serves like a Rorschach inkblot test. Someone’s reaction to it tells me a lot, very quickly, about their comfort or resistance to this type of no—and their psychology behind it.
There are two emotional responses to the Wilson auto-response that are, by far and away, most common, which I’ve seen over and over again. Broadly speaking, they are:
1) I’m not successful enough to do that.
Language like the following frequently shows up, often accompanied by resignation, dismissal, or scoffing:
“Must be nice.”
“You can’t do this if you’re just starting out.”
“If I did that, offers would dry up. I’d stop getting opportunities.”
Interestingly, the “not successful enough” response has no correlation to someone’s actual wealth. I’ve heard this type of response from people making $50,000 per year, and I’ve heard the same from people making $10,000,000+ per year.
More material abundance doesn’t fix this default response, but a few new frameworks will.
2) I’m too nice/kind to do that.
Language like the below frequently pops up, often accompanied by anger or righteous indignation:
“I would/could never do something like that.”
“He is so rude.”
”I value kindness and generosity.”
“I bet many people helped him become so successful, and now he’s refusing to help anyone.”
For the record, I do believe it is possible to be both successful and nice. Kindness can be your companion. But it is not possible to be successful while running around trying to please everyone.
And, if you learn anything from this book, I hope it’s that being constantly accommodating when you don’t want to is not being nice. It’s insincere, enabling, and manipulative. It also breeds long-term resentment. That’s not nice; it’s a time-bomb.
We all exist on a spectrum between being pure people-pleasers, who bend to everyone else’s wishes, and being complete psychopaths, who accommodate no one (e.g., Gordon Gekko). Most of us err on the side of people-pleasing, because we want to avoid the discomfort and possible consequences of them being unhappy.
The majority of you reading this book, who say yes too often, will benefit by pushing closer to the midpoint of the spectrum through this exercise. Rather than a 100 percent overhaul of your life, all you need to consider is a ten percent shift of your default responses in the other direction. 10% more Gordon Gekko will give you a great dose of extra agency, not arrogance.
How much more could you get done—and how much happier would you be—if you refused even one type of request you commonly receive? Or an infrequent request that nonetheless causes you headache or heartache?
“Is it time for you to craft your own Wilson letter?”
I put quotation marks around the above question, as I posed that challenge rhetorically to some readers many years ago.
Much to my surprise, a bunch of people actually did it. Slightly edited for length, here is one fantastic example from a reader named Maggie:
Writing this out was cathartic. It was hard to stop once I got started, and the deeply-rooted sick little people-pleaser in me is scared to put it out there at all, but what a thrill:
As I am joining the exodus from Brooklyn to a quiet, productive, groovy life upstate, I would be remiss not to inform you that I will no longer be able to:
– Respond to any email including the words “pick your brain” or “would love to get coffee sometime.”
– Continue using any glitchy online service that demands more than 5 minutes to take care of a minor account change or basic function
– Have the same conversations again & again at the same next party
– Read or listen to ANYTHING about any guy you heard from on match.com
– Wait lugubriously for the F train on the weekend. HAHAHAHA! See ya!
– “Catch up” with you on your sketchy cell phone when you are also filling up your gas tank/in line at the deli/talking in thinly veiled code while driving home with the guy you want to break up with
– Read ANYTHING you want to publish, under any circumstances, unless the entire thing makes me nearly pee my pants laughing
– Cheerily & spontaneously offer a fully formed, bulletproof, and complimentary PR plan for you when I bump into you outside the Tea Lounge mid-afternoon & we get to chatting about your projects
– Chat about your projects
– Listen to job complaints and either bite my tongue or get my head bitten off for suggesting a change might be possible
– Listen to any sentence regarding how many calories breast feeding/your new cardio plan burns
– Somehow mysteriously spend 60 dollars the minute I walk out my door every day, sort of like I exhaled it without even knowing
Sincerely and with love,
Maggie
Go, Maggie, go!
Let us call this type of bullet list a “selfishness manifesto,” which is what another reader named it. It’s the perfect flippant name for this exercise, as folks who say yes too often tend to believe it’s selfish to prioritize their own needs.
But as Arianna Huffington has said, “You have to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others.” Compassion begins with yourself. Without self-compassion, your projected compassion is a fraud.
Drafting your own selfishness manifesto will allow you to vent, laugh, and uncover truths that wouldn’t surface if you were taking things seriously. It’s a workaround.
COMFORT CHALLENGE: YOUR SELFISHNESS MANIFESTO
I was always ashamed to take. So I gave. It was not a virtue. It was a disguise.
— Anaïs Nin
As promised, welcome to your first assignment. It may be tempting to simply read the Comfort Challenges that recur throughout this book and imagine doing them.
Don’t be that person. That person won’t get anything from this book. This is a workbook. It is easier to act your way into a new way of thinking than it is to think your way into a new way of acting.
By analogy, no PhD in soccer by itself will help you play soccer. If you want skills that work under pressure (which you do), you have to get off the bench of passivity and develop a love affair with action: get on the field, kick the ball, do the drills, and play against live opponents who thwart your attempts. The little actions aren’t hard, and the little actions add up surprisingly quickly.
So, let’s get on the field.
Start by getting a notebook, opening your favorite notes app, or creating a new document on your computer. Title it something like: Comfort Challenges, THE NO BOOK, or if bad puns are your thing, My NO-tebook. You will be adding all future Comfort Challenges to this workbook as well, so make it something that you have easy access to—and that can hold all your work in one place.
And then begin:
- At the top of the page, write the words My Selfishness Manifesto as a header. This will be your new operating manual. Keep in mind that what we are calling “selfishness” is really just a playful way of saying that from now on, you will be taking better care of yourself and your time. If that phrasing throws you off, make it My Self-Preservation Manifesto or My Wilson Letter.
- Either use Edmund’s format below or write your own version of his pre-emptive no statement:
[Your name] regrets that it is impossible for him/her/pronoun …
…without compensation to:
[LIST]
…under any circumstances to:
[LIST]
- In the spirit of the examples in this chapter, draft the most honest and direct rejection page that you’ll never actually use. Have fun with it. Be brutal and 100% selfish. Unlike Edmund Wilson, there is no need for you to ever show your letter to anyone. So let loose.
Because this is just for you, there’s no need to play nice. Consider throwing a few elbows instead. Name names, tell them how you really feel, and draw that line in the sand. Resist the impulse to soften anything. Let all the annoyance out. That’s the whole point of the exercise.
Also, keep in mind that this is a rough draft. Don’t get bogged down with second-guessing things or considering exceptions. Just let it rip.
- If you’re having any trouble coming up with your lines in the sand, consider working on this with a good friend over a meal or bottle of wine. This is a great team sport. Ask your friend questions like, “What kinds of things annoys the &%$* out of me? What do I complain about?”
- Now that your list is complete, let your Wilson Letter be your internal compass. Read it each morning for a week. Before saying yes to a request, wait a moment. Check your list and see if the item is there. If it is, then it’s a no.
Don’t yet be concerned with how you’re going to say no. We’ll get there. Just don’t say yes. Deflect. If you can’t muster a clear no, say “Maybe. Let me check my calendar and I’ll get back to you if I can do it.” Note that this is a default no and closes the door unless you reopen it. Just don’t say yes off-the-bat.
- Keep your Wilson Letter as a living document that grows as you do. Over the next weeks, as various texts and emails come in, you may find yourself wanting to add items you overlooked to your list. Inspiration can come from unexpected places.
NEIL’S STRUGGLE JOURNAL
People are frugal in guarding their personal property; but as soon as it comes to squandering time, they are most wasteful of the one thing in which it is right to be stingy.
— Seneca, On the Shortness of Life
Tim assigned me this first comfort challenge, and it was an unexpected struggle for me. What I told myself is that I couldn’t find the time because I was so busy. But the truth was that I wasn’t making the time. Everything else seemed urgent—work deadlines, time with my children, dates with random people from random apps. Besides, I understood the general idea of the letter, so I didn’t feel like I actually needed to write it all out.
Fortunately, after a conversation with a disappointed Tim, the people-pleaser in me found a good way to keep myself accountable.
Like many people on Instagram with a following of more than 23 people, I have a coaching group. Every one of my students also struggles with saying no, people pleasing, and setting boundaries.
So I asked them if they would be open to doing these Comfort Challenges with me, and they agreed. At the beginning of each monthly session, we dove into an exercise together. This not only gave me the accountability to do the challenges myself, but the opportunity to fine tune them based on how they resonated with others with different experiences.
After finally creating my Wilson Letter, I had a revelation that affected how I thought about everything else in this book: For me personally, there was an important category missing.
As instructed, I wrote down the behaviors I would no longer accept:
*People I met once who text me for years after just to stay in touch *”Friends” who think my social media is their personal promotion service.
*And especially people who pester me about going to lunch, then, after I reluctantly accept, end the meal by inviting me to lunch again and immediately start texting to “lock a date in.”
As I wrote all this, I realized something. In each of these cases, the problem wasn’t really other people. They were just being themselves. They enjoyed staying in touch. They enjoyed going to lunch. They were completely innocent requests. The problem was me.
I was responding to them.
I was agreeing to their requests.
I was enabling the behavior that I didn’t want.
So, I added an additional section to the Wilson Letter: Behaviors I will no longer accept from myself.
They included:
- Feeling like I have to respond to the stay-in-touch people because they’ll be upset.
- Offering a social media promo when I can’t do a book blurb because I feel people will be hurt and feel unsupported.
- Thinking I have to read someone’s book or book proposal if someone has done me a favor.
- Saying yes to lunch if I like someone but don’t have the time for a one-on-one lunch.
- Working in a room with the door open and the phone next to me. That’s just inviting interruptions.
- Doing someone’s podcast if I don’t have a new project to discuss. I don’t need to hear myself talk.
- My nine-year-old who is reading over my shoulder as I write this wants me to add: “I will no longer play Mario Wonder with my son instead of writing this book.” And he’s right.
As Tim pointed out when I shared these results with him (except for the last one), “You’re directing the airplane traffic badly, then blaming it on the pilot when there’s a crash.”
One of Tim’s favorite questions, borrowed from Reboot by Jerry Colonna, is “How am I complicit in creating the conditions I say I don’t want?”
So if you’re finding yourself complicit in your own misery, and I believe this is almost always the case to some degree, then consider adding my category to your Wilson Letter as an experiment.
When I did this with the rest of the people in my coaching group, which I’m going to start calling a test group because I’m sure countless Wilson Letters mention something like “block any asshole who says he or she has a coaching group,” not only did they find this helpful, but they discovered something powerful.
When the exercise ended, I felt like they were still waiting for some kind of conclusion or takeaway, so I asked: “If you had to estimate the amount of your total time you spend doing, resenting, or being annoyed by the things on your list, what percentage of each week would that be?”
The average answer was 30 percent! One person, who was in the midst of a divorce, said it was 60 percent.
That’s a lot of time and attention you can recover by acting on your Wilson Letter.
If you’re anything like me, you may not be ready to act on all these items in your Wilson Letter. But it all starts with self-awareness. Knowledge alone might help cut these things down by 10-20 percent, and, as I learned later, the tactics for tackling the remaining 80 percent will come in future Comfort Challenges.
So keep your letter handy.
ANATOMY OF A NO: Life Tetris
While writing this book, I invited best-selling author, coach, and Harvard-trained sociologist Martha Beck to an event. Her brief, eloquent response was an instant addition to my No Swipe File. Here is my favorite line:
“I would LOVE to come and participate, but I can’t make it happen in the next couple of months due to life Tetris.”
WHY IT WORKS: It’s short, direct, positive, and clever. I included this because “but I can’t make it happen due to life Tetris” can be used for practically anything and doesn’t provide specifics someone can attempt to negotiate around.
Missed the first two chapters? Find them here.
Comment Rules: Remember what Fonzie was like? Cool. That's how we're gonna be — cool. Critical is fine, but if you're rude, we'll delete your stuff. Please do not put your URL in the comment text and please use your PERSONAL name or initials and not your business name, as the latter comes off like spam. Have fun and thanks for adding to the conversation! (Thanks to Brian Oberkirch for the inspiration.)
A thoughtful and concise chapter – enough accountability without sounding as if you are preaching. Guidance to get yourself out of a rut and addressing the most common resistances – which yes I felt some of. I enjoyed the cadence and tone. Perhaps at the end it could be useful to have a summary box of the headings for the letter? I am not sure if you are going to expand on this in future chapters, but havent your interviewed someone (Daniel Kanneman?) who had a rule of not responding to anything in the first 24 hours and then saying no to 95%+ of things 24 hours later by asking "if this was happening today / tonight would I want to do it?" Side-note I find it mildly distracting reading on your tim.blog website with the averts and pop-ups which I cannot actually block out or say no to! 😉
Great exercise, and Neil's additional question really helped to get the ball rolling. I think it was easier to start judging other people’s requests once I'd finished dealing with my own complicity.
Beautiful! Looking so forward to the book 🙂
"Exciting news! I'm looking forward to reading your new book. I've loved all your previous works. With this new book, I'm hoping you'll provide a framework for saying 'no' effectively, including tips on assessing task value, being respectful, providing reasons, and more. I've often seen team members say 'no' only to pick less valuable tasks, which they then justify. Your insights could really help address this issue."
"Life Tetris" might just be my most favorite phrase for the next 30 days !!
I sorta jumped into reading this thinking, "That book title even sounds like a good marketing gimmick…pretty sure I already know this stuff". And within a few minutes of actually giving it a read, morphed my view into "huh…maybe I should change my email signature…and you know, my wife could shave a few hours off her day if she'd take this approach…" 🤔
Thanks for sharing your chapters as you go! Reading it made me realize a few things. The feeling you get when someone asks for your expertise strokes your ego – it feels good. But that doesn't mean it's good for you. I also realized I need to write myself a Wilson Letter because I'm most likely the one who's stealing my own time.
I felt a little electric spark shoot through me when I read the Wilson Letter and I'm working on my own selfish manifesto, though I need time to track what requests I'm saying yes to that are the big time wasters. A few thoughts I'm mulling over. As a pathological conflict-avoider, being this direct TERRIFIES me, though I'm going to challenge myself to be as direct as I can in this exercise and see where it leads. I'm much more comfortable with the jujitsu-side-step no or the no without ever actually saying no. I've mastered this technique with my five year old who will lose his mind if told no directly, but is very easily diverted and distracted (and what are grown ups, if not very large 5 year olds?). My big fear in a blanket no is that there are times where I can't accurately predict if I will enjoy doing something. Last year, a neighbor invited me to a dinner to meet other neighbors. I reluctantly accepted the invite and I desperately wanted to cancel and stay at home to read or stare at my own bellybutton or whatever, but out of social niceties, I went. And surprise, I had an amazing evening and felt fully recharged. Curious if others are struggling with requests that fall into a grey area?
Starting out I was saying no to the no chapter. Somehow I kept going and really found the people pleasing section to hit home with me. At the end of the chapter. I found myself writing my “no” statement utilizing “life Tetris… I’m saying yes to the “no” book.
I’m loving getting these episodes of the book. Keep ‘em coming. I was just spouting some “no”s this week. Probably time to write them down.
Wonderful and concise, and best of all, IT MADE ME LAUGH. Years ago a therapist convinced me that I was squandering my energy with my people-pleasing behaviors. She said: "You have a lot of no's in your No Bank. Spend them."
Started reading Tim upon his first venture. Absorbed everything since then and even made up pdf’s for clients based on his work and others work he’s introduced me to. have lived by this mantra now for over a decade after reading him quoting a mentor “if it’s not hell yes, it’s no”. But this Wilson letter shook me to make more changes. At 62 I’m on the backside of life. So thank you for this latest exercise in taking back my time. I have to go now and make a “ Tim referenced” pdf.
Thank you for another brilliant tactical Comfort Challenge. Look forward to setting up a NOtebook dedicated to My Selfishness Manifesto, drafted and added to over the coming weeks with each challenge. Love the idea of unrestricted expression much like your 'Morning Pages' and "Raging at the Page' as Greg McKeown' mentioned in a recent interview with you. The first step to developing greater awareness and tools to manage these challenges. Thank you.
The idea of not constantly people pleasing is a crucial message for many of us. However, I feel people need to find a balance. There are two sides of the spectrum. Those who people please too much and those who say no way to much…Both can achieve success in different ways, but both also miss out either on what they truly want to accomplish (the people pleasers) or unexpected incredible opportunities for growth and learning (the NO-sayers). There's a book by Michael A. Singer Titled: The Surrender Experiment, which has the opposite message where the author talks about saying "YES" to everything and in the book he talks about his life journey and how such an attitude contributed to him becoming incredibly successful. But I don't think such an approach would have the same result for everyone and I see the value of learning when to say no to specific tasks or requests. So, I'm looking forward to reading Tim's book and comparing the two perspectives (Tim's and Michael's) and learning from both books, to see if I can learn strategies that will help me better know when to say yes or no, and have the courage to do so…without worrying what others will think.
I love this version! Writing and implementing the Wilson letter has helped me to not only be clearer about my NOs, but also be clearer and more direct in my communication. For example: If i don’t respond to a message without a clear question or request, i also don’t send a message to someone without a clear question or request. If i don’t discount my services, i don’t expect anyone else to discount their services (i can still ask and receive a no) If i ask questions from someone who wants to collaborate, i also answer those questions before i ask someone for collaboration. Also, most of my NO’s are to myself and my own urge of looking good/being liked.
Sehr gutes Kapitel. Der forth wall break hat mir auch gut gefallen. Ich bin gespannt, wie man ein ganzes Buch über NO schreiben kann. Du wirst sicherlich viele Nuancen hervorheben. Mal sehen, wie gut dein Deutsch noch ist… Ob du das noch lesen kanns 😉
Thanks for sharing the next chapter. I’m still wrestling with how this works with personal friendships. Much of these NOs sound like productivity hacks to protect and save time from a work perspective. But what about friendships? I bet most YESes to friendly gatherings could easily be NOs by many of the rules people have set out. Does the “bid for connection” (borrowing an Esther Perel phrase) make the request more genuine? I’m trying to figure out where the balance is for someone on the receiving end of getting a series of NOs from friends. I want to subscribe to this philosophy around NO-ing my way around life but feel like most friendships would deteriorate in a constant state of optimization.
One of my long-term 'Nos' is not to submit comments—to anything, really. But I am making a genuine exception here… Tim, I have followed your work from the very beginning … many … many years ago. I build leaders as a career, and for 25+ years, I have been gratefully applying so much learning gained from your world to others and myself. You have had such an exponential influence and impact on so, so many. Already just from the first few chapters I have found myself smiling, audibly yelling out 'yes' while pumping random fists in the air (with zero regard to who is around me!), and have just been really blown away by the level of this latest work – it's relevance, practicality, authenticity, and all combined with humour and simplicity, is just awesome. It's also very easy to read and process, with a definite call to action. Great decision on partnering with Neil also, I'm a big fan of his work and writing style. Fucking love it Tim. Absolute Gold and well waiting for. Congratulations. And Thankyou. Michael
Love this (and also really need it). I'm sure it's coming in future chapters but I would appreciate some specific points on how to implement at work (where your entire job might be based around saying 'yes' to everyone and everything!). Also – Neil is hilarious.
Good point; thanks for sharing. I missed the context for the Gordon Gekko reference…did you discuss him in the introductions? It’s been a week or so since I read those. I own my business and the things that I would say no to that are work-related, I generally delegate out. I wonder though, if I need to make a Wilson Letter for the business to protect my staff’s time to allow them to focus more on higher priorities. Personally, my Wilson letter to my family would be a bit longer, but mostly highly impractical. “Mom is no longer able to cook dinner, dig out empty chip bags from behind your bed, grocery shop, or act as your own personal therapist” is maybe a longer term goal…
Yes, looking at how our behaviors create the cicumstance is a great add to the list.
I had a mild panic as I started to do this. The things draining the most of my time, that turned into larger commitments than I ever imagined, and are driving me crazy and robbing me of the time I need for my most important work (1) are part of a commitment I made that lasts THE REST of THIS YEAR though this has been more than anyone would have imagined, (2) my leaving would hurt my small group that has tried to work with me to lighten the load and (3) I care about these organizations but just can’t be so overcome by what is asked of me. I made a list but I don’t see how I can act on so much of it. Maybe the rest of the book will help me figure out how to reclaim my life. And thank you for life Tetris! I am using this from now on!
I think being willing to disappoint people or let them down (or at least perceive that you're doing so) is a genuine challenge for so many people (especially women, who are socialized not to do so), and a discussion of how the other person might feel could really augment this chapter. I would say something like "the other person might be upset to hear no, but you have to remember that you yourself have been told no many times and are still alive to tell the tale. It's their job to work things out for themselves, just as it's yours to work things out for yourself."
Chapter 3 reminds me of how I have been using this system of No in my dating life. I have been dating on and off for many years since my divorce and realized early on that I needed to not only establish boundaries but to get comfortable saying No to matches on the apps, especially when something said or viewed goes against my gut. This practice goes against how I was brought up as a girl, compliant and pleasing, going with the flow, trying to not upset people. As an example, my own rule of No’s includes never clicking on potential matches who have only 1 picture or all of their pictures have their eyes covered in sunglasses. I also regularly turn down requests for my phone number until I have met in person. I am looking forward to seeing how this workbook inspires me to act and further establish my own boundaries. Don’t rest on your No’s – they should be built over time! There are an increasing number of requests for our attention and I believe we all want to spend that attention wisely. Thank you Tim and Neil!
Loved this. Look forward to more. Consider a different title for book. "The No Book"may be awkward to promote and may produce Abbott and Costello "Who's on First" responses. Long-time fan of your work.
Thank you Tim for writing this book. I normally would have said No to responding to your request for feedback but I’m laid up post ACL surgery and decided to do things I normally say No to. 🙂 I have so many thoughts about this after years of honing my own craft (and the struggle continues): – In addition to writing your Wilson list, write up your pre-identified responses. I have used one with recruiters for years: “I appreciate you reaching out but I’m so happy at Meta and not planning to leave any time soon…” I used it so often that recruiters started writing me with “I understand you’re really happy at Meta…” When I get that opener, I don’t reply because they are trying to preempt my boundary. – When I say No a lot in a professional capacity, I find myself saying Yes a lot socially. In some warped way, I feel like I’m making up for the people I have disappointed in a work setting. But that just leads to burnout in your social life. You have to watch both. – You likely know that Adam Grant, who is one of the most productive givers I know, writes about the psychology and results behind Givers and Takers. Givers who over do it are least successful in his data set. So if someone isn’t motivated to do it for their mental health, they should consider it for career success. – I indicated above, sometimes you need to give yourself a No break. It can be freeing to rigorously stand behind your Nos. But for some of us, it is still hard after years of doing it semi-successfully. This is contrary to your message because most people don’t have this problem but I think it’s important to take a break from No at times but to do it selectively. – For those who feel guilty saying no, keep a list of your yeses. It will help with sticking to your nos. Examples for me include mentoring specific people, investing in new hires at work, and sharing health research with girlfriends who don’t have time to do their own (Tim I recently sent you a thank you about this in IG direct knowing there was a 99.9% chance you wouldn’t read it). – I love Martha’s how to say no. The one I regularly use is short and genuine: thank them for thinking of me and say that I can’t make this a priority because I’m barely able to keep up with my other priorities (which is always accurate). Enjoy writing the book!
"Right after that meeting, I created a digital swipe file called 'polite declines' in Evernote, a product made by another startup I advised. Starting that week in 2009, if anyone said no in a way that struck me as elegant or clever, I saved it. If a rejection somehow made me feel good, I saved it." I cannot wait to see the top 40 or top 100 of polite declines. Or all of them in your file, including comments on the ones you never used (read: dared to try) or discarded. Most of us who will be reading the book are successful, but not uber successful. The uber successful have no choice: learn to say no or go crazy (or worse). Those who are merely successful could muddle through, and that is usually the choice we make. So what I really want to see, for us "too nice" types, are the win-win solutions that result in an ability and willingness to say no while fulfilling our innate (?) desire to please/serve others. BTW, brilliant to notice, and eloquently describe, the distinction between the "too nice" and "not successful enough."
Great read. This chapter flows nicely – it has a great balance of background content, easily implementable actions, and just the right amount of comedy 🙂 In step 1 where you suggest potential header titles for the reader's manifesto, did you give any thought to suggesting "My Boundaries" as a title option? For those (like me) whose brains can't easily connect "selfishness" with taking care of yourself, labeling this list as your own personal boundaries can be empowering. Thank you for sharing your new content like this. I can't wait to read more!
Love this alot, I guess you can also talk about the defence mechanism "what we are avoiding by saying yes to everything," there is this recent book that address this as well, by Dr. Sunita Sah – Defy: The Power of No in a World That Demands Yes-Random House Publishing Group (2025)
Thank you so much for this, Tim; this is exactly the stuff we used to come to you for.
LOVING this book so far, a Ferris’s fan from the beginning! I’m a therapist and find others are (and I myself am) very uncomfortable saying no and setting boundaries. I like to frame saying no as “what I am available for”. For me personally, I am available for: Card games but not board games Meaningful conversations not small talk Monogamy Brunch rather than dinner Venting yes, but coming up with some positives after I’d love to see life cycles considered in the book. Going through menopause was a help for me. I frame saying no in service to who and what gets my precious life energy, now that I have less. Talk to the older women you know and get their tips!? Seems like there are times to have a Yes Year and a No Year?! Thanks for letting us be part of this conversation!!!
I love this Self-Preservation Manifesto, what I would personally add during this exercise would be to pay attention to every single physical reaction I have when thinking and writing each boundary setting statement: tension in legs, butterfly in stomach, knot in the throat etc. can be really revealing of why we keep pleasing others.
"It is easier to act your way into a new way of thinking than it is to think your way into a new way of acting." => I would replace 'easier' by 'more rewarding' because, honestly, the passive way of learning (think you way into a new way of acting' is easier than the active way from a pedagogical point of view.
Hey Tim, I'm wondering if you will include something on Dr. Stephen Porges's work explaining the intervening variable here—our human nervous systems. Deb Dana has also done some great work on this. In polyvagal theory, he explains how people-pleasing, and the one that has interested me the most, appeasement, is part of our biological automatic responses. It's helpful in understanding ourselves and others – including the Gordon Gekko's of the world – why we might be terrified of saying no, or we could end up saying no to things that would be good for us (a social connection). Thanks for all you do – I'm a long-time listener since podcast 3 or 4 I think!
No is my favorite word. I learned years ago, being raised to serve and accommodate, that the world would drain me dry if I allowed my tendency to be complicit in saying Yes to overrule my instincts. That said, I have to do a boundary reconnaisance every year. My No shield can become as permeable as an open field. Last October I decided to tighten up the reins and only focus on those things for which I was directly responsible and served my long term purposes. Tim, you're exactly spot on correct. That resentment creates a Time Bomb. In January, this Time Bomb exploded and I quit my job on the spot. The last hair cracked the camel's back. Time to cut the safety net and get down to creating my business. The elation, the weightlessness, the freedom, the joy of knowing No is back running my show. Looking forward to doing the exercises and reading the rest of the book. No requires constant vigilance and the benefit is a clear runway, peace of mind and yes . . . joy.
Interesting, I always thought I would immediately jump up to complete the exercises you were going to suggest in this book, yet I found myself needing the encouragement. I feel like saying no to the things I am complicit in creating could possible just be another layer of having to discipline myself; I do these things because they are easy or sometimes (slightly) instantly gratifying. They're just not the hell yesses. Death by mediocrity. Maybe its precisely the point to just become aware of things at first, but I still felt the fear of: "what if this is just another "just say no", kind of thing"". Feelings/ expectations for the book: The chapter leaves me with nessecary reluctance. I hope the next chapters will make me seek out discomfort. Though, I can't say I am not afraid of the shedding of skin that necessarily awaits us in order to fully use the book. I guess all the years of trust you built with the audience will actually come to benefit the trustors/listeners now. Like a rite of passage you would only dare risk fully releasing yourself into, because you trust the person who's calling you through it.
I can't for the life of me decipher what this sentence means "being constantly accommodating when you don’t want to is not being nice.", can someone help me out? Like I get the point due to the words mentioned, but I don't understand the sentence
I love the opening. Wondering how to address the reader’s huge insecurity of missing out even more? Pull us in!!! Perhaps those that buy don’t really have to and prefer the comfort of reinforcement or something to adapt? The ‘what if I’m turning away from the best opportunity in my life?’ Nag…would love you to pick more at the seams at this. Btw I’m using something like this as a cut & paste for all those linked in asks – thank you!
This is really great, I appreciate the exercise and pushing us to start that NO-tebook in our note taking apps. It's a great calling-out to actually go ahead and get started by creating this title in our notes. I love Maggie's example, it really helped me craft my own letter. Also Neil's addition of being self-critical resonated with me a lot. Curious where the book goes. I'm expecting it to dive deeper into handling own emotions as well. It's a great start to start pointing out what's "wrong" in your life. I hope in later chapters it also dives deeper into why we're accepting these things and become "blind" to it. And therefore also creating lasting change in our lifes. Appreciate you Tim, thanks for putting out the first chapter!! looking forward to the rest
I needed this book when I was writing my dissertation. I spent two years making myself busy helping other people (mostly as a distraction and a way to avoid discomfort) before I buckled down and wrote the final draft in one 18 hour stretch (not bragging). Instead of pushing through uncomfortable feelings and grueling processes of writing a dissertation, not to mention the brutal, yet necessary, feedback from the chair of my dissertation committee – I wasted two years piddling around while STILL feeling nagging angst and tension from putting off the hard work for myself. It was exhausting and disappointing. I wish I could say I learned a lesson about saying no to others and yes to me but I continue to people please while leaving myself out of the equation. I need this book to help me move forward to make myself a priority! Thank you Tim and Neil.
As someone who always has 2 or 3 side projects on top of a full-time job and busy personal life, this is the book I need. Recently, I’ve been frustrated by how my lack of focus has most likely stunted my professional development, so I’m excited to put these learnings into action. Regarding this chapter, I definitely fall into the “I’m not successful enough to do that” camp, so the Wilson Letter exercise was a helpful start that I’m looking forward to refining. Like Neil, the “Behaviors I will no longer accept from myself” section is valuable and is where most of the content of my letter is being written. I didn’t realize how much time-sucking behavior I was enabling until writing it out. Excited to continue following along!
I felt like there could be more directions how to decide the things in our Wilson Letter. Is it just things that annoys us? To me it can also be: anything that is putting me in a tough spot or leaves me unhappy or results me to suffer and/or has no gain for me in the long term. I would love to have more examples on personal life related ones (eg. family, friends, strangers,…) and when/if to make any exceptions. Also, the original Wilson letter visual (rather then only its text) would definetely make it easier to grasp/read. I was also wondering if you could merge the 2types of 'no's mention them in the beginning so to have a very clear picture (the ones Neil mentions as his unacceptable behaviours/tendencies & the ones coming from others) so probably inside vs outside rooted no's ? It would prevent us going back and forth and a smoother flow, somehow I felt the need to read more than once.
WRITE FASTER!!!! The suspense is killing me, I am really looking forward to reading this book. I love Strauss' books and I have all of yours. Can't wait to add this to the list…
I really love it! Thank you for sharing!
I bet you would get a LOT out of a book called "The Virtue of Selfishness". But, its by Ayn Rand, and she seems to frighten you. Too bad…
Love the format-will help me focus. after reading first 3 chapters realized most of my friends already practice this-at least one me! Love the content and format.
I've read (or listened to) all of you're books and I'm curious how these first three chapters will fit into a book format. You mentioned in your introduction that this is a step and you mention in the text that this is a workbook. This chapter feels like a section from a workbook. The "4-hour" books had more text in the chapter and the Comfort Challenges seemed like an add on. For this chapter, the Comfort Challenge feels like the main entry and the text is in support of the Challenge. I think you hit the nail with your discussion about taking action. Neil's take on the Comfort Challenge is a good addition. I also feel like I'm complicit in my own misery. Overall, it's challenging to review or rate this chapter with out having it's context within the book. If this is intended to be a workbook, a book to push people to action, I think you're on the write track.
I really enjoyed this chapter, Tim and Neil. As I was reading, I started to realise that I can benefit from saying no to myself more than saying no to others. I’m allowing myself to get sidetracked by new ideas and interests on a daily basis. Thanks for including Neil’s journal entry. This resonated with me.
For years now, I have been utilizing the Tim Ferris concept of doing a prior year inventory- and deleting things/people from my life that give me agita- and adding things/people into my life- as quickly as possible- those that bring me joy. And the ones that bring me joy- I often find the feeling is mutual as nobody has used a Wilson letter type response to me yet. My default response to invitations is usually “no” anyways- but there are some that I need to negotiate with- as such- I am excited to construct my own Wilson letter for those times
I understand why you are calling it the No Book, and the NOtebook as they are catchy, but it really is the yes book. Yes to yourself, your life, your needs. The YOU book doesnt sound great either, but something that is positive feels more apropos. A huge light bulb went on for me when I was seeing my acupuncturist, and I said I just feel like I dont fit in, like something is wrong with me. I hate going to parties and social events with large group. I hate noise. She said, there’s nothing wrong with you. Youre a highly sensitive person, and you should read the book The HIghly Sensitive Person, which helped me understand how to say no to so many things that are not pleasant or uplifting to me. Saying no to people who dont have a reciprocal relationship.No to lunches that are winding up to a financial ask.No to meals with more than 3 other people. No to coffee if a phone call will do. Thank God for caller ID and voicemail! No i cant do that because i walk our dogs every afternoon/evening for their physical well being and my mental well being.
I found Maggie's example hilarious (Shout out to the Brooklyn peeps) and Neil's share to be what got me to actually do the exercise. I had the first response initially – I'm not successful enough to say no. It was very visceral. Then I tried to think of the same exercise through the lens of the 80:20 rule and explore how saying no could help my business if I said no to more of the wrong things. There have been some business things that I said yes to recently that haven't worked out. I was disappointed at first, but looking back, they weren't a good fit. Now I think about the time I would have saved and put towards other things if I had been able to say no to begin with. Like Neil's struggle, I thought through the exercise first and resisted actually writing but that's when things started making sense and flowing. I went from a mentally blank page to a full page once I committed to writing down the answers.
Very good. We have to start No-ing to useless things before we can allow do-ing important things. Thanks for all your hard work and keep it up.
I read this chapter this morning, knowing I have a four hour drive across Montana to ponder before writing my own Selfish Manifesto in my new NOtebook. It's interesting at this point in my life, I embrace all of this saying no with enthusiasm, while when I first found Tim and his infinite wisdom, I thought he was nuts. I said yes to everything and it let to a LOT of burnout, heartache, stress, and general loathing of the rest of the human race. I was the only one to blame, but nobody wants to see it that way. Thank you for the concise first assignment, and just enough examples to spark my own thoughts, instead of a step by step do this and only this to make this work.
Enjoyed the chapter, Tim. As far as the implementation of the The Wilson Letter goes (And I get a big part of it is the personal awareness), would you most recommend using it as a form of email auto responder? Or text (do they make autoresponders?). Then to the few potential non-no's that don't fall into your categories, follow up separately? Or is the point of this exercise primarily to define a list for yourself – and implementation strategies will be included in subsequent chapters.
Insightful chapter, particularly if you are an absolute beginner to saying 'no'. This is regularly the most important coaching element I give to my team members seeking greater productivity and calm in their lives. I also often remind them that their time is entirely theirs to give, not for others to take. The minute we give away this kind of power to others, we are already starting down the spiral of not only saying 'yes' to things we shouldn't but we become accepting of standards in life that we shouldn't. Holding the bar high for myself includes me deciding how I will spend every precious waking minute of my day. Look forward to reading more!
Love this. I made my list, and it just felt good to get things out of my head and on paper. I'm also saving "I would LOVE to come and participate, but I can’t make it happen in the next couple of months due to life Tetris” in my new "No Swipe File." Can't wait to read more chapters. Thanks, Tim and Neil!
I closed my eyes and asked myself about my reaction to using a Wilson Auto-response Letter. My response to using something similar: I have nothing to which I need to say no. Now, keep in mind, this happened as I've switched a 4-hour long videocall with my sisters to the back-burner and I'm obviously on to a new activity. I'm in and out of the conversation with them while at the same time dipping into my email. Finally, a chance to read Tim's email. I couldn't quite get around to telling them I had to go do other things and, it didn't seem to cost me anything to keep them on the phone. So, now I've hung up and I've actually sat here for onwards of an hour thinking on what my relationship is to saying no. I can say I do this a lot with projects. I keep projects open until I either forget about them or find a reason to keep it in play, rather than cutting things off directly. Basically, I can't even see there is a "say no" option attached to situations where my family's feelings are involved or where I sense there might be even a pinch of a profit available someday (that unibrow picture form my first days of college, the one someone tagged me in on Facebook? That's not just a funny memory; I might need it for my personal brand strategy).
Brilliant examples of how to establish some boundaries. I desperately needed this 6 months ago but will share what I did instead of a letter. For years, I’ve had people ask for advice or just plain offload their professional problems on to me. Some friends, some acquaintances, and some were people who were given my info and continue to call, text, and email me at all hours. All for free and often without so much as a thank you (or any reply at all!) after I dropped what I was doing to solve their problem. So, I created a simple course with office hours and sent the sales page to each of them. When one would ask for pro-bono advice, I’d state that I’m happy to discuss family, hobbies or anything other than work – that is reserved for the people in my course. “Oh…” they would say and the conversation wouldn’t last much longer. Unfortunately, most did not join the course. However, what I gained from drawing that line in the sand, in both time and self-dignity, continues to pay dividends.
This Neil bloke is a crack up- I’m so happy Tim ditched the original book and decided to cowrite with our Mr People Pleaser. He makes me feel, “Well, yes I’m bad, yes, I don’t have enough time for my projects because I’m promptly Doing The Right Thing (for others)…but AT LEAST I’m not as bad as Neil”! Neil, you are very funny, relatable and I can’t wait for the next chapter where you stuff up the one thing Tim has asked you to do… Loving this book. Onya youse guys! More chapters please.
I am so looking forward to reading the book. I like the practical approach, it forces you to take action. I am done with courses or books that you feel good doing or reading but in the end you finish exactly where you started. You just continue your life with barely adding anything new or shifting. Thanks Tim and Neil!
I actually am not successful enough to do that. I'm too early in my game and experimenting is part of it. I also have 0 unsolicited requests from friends and acquaintances, which I don't know if it's a good thing. But I did start the challenge and created a dedicated Notion page called "THE NO BOOK". I added some tasks for other people that I currently find myself too bored and lazy to do, but they didn't come to me unsolicited. I will follow along and do the challenges. Can't wait for the more esoteric ones.
I have to say Tim, this is probably some of your best work yet. It’s a big wake up call to figure out what I will not do under no circumstances. My list is a good reminder of how I will make choices in the coming week. I am curious to see what this will do to my priorities, goals and peace of mind in the coming weeks.
I asked Chat GDP for a list of common situations that warrant a "no". The list it generated proved helpful in structuring my thoughts: Overcommitment: When asked to take on more work or responsibilities than you can handle.Unhealthy relationships: If someone is consistently disrespectful or toxic, it's important to set boundaries.Peer pressure: When friends or acquaintances encourage you to engage in activities that don’t align with your values or goals.Distractions: If something diverts your attention from your priorities, such as unnecessary meetings or social obligations.Unwanted obligations: Agreeing to do something out of guilt or obligation rather than genuine desire.Extra work hours: When you're asked to work overtime frequently without compensation or recognition.Financial requests: Lending money or making financial commitments that could jeopardize your financial stability.Personal boundaries: Providing personal information or sharing details about your life that make you uncomfortable.
Thanks Tim for all this thoughtful content!! As I was doing my own Wilson list, including Neil's part, I realized that this behavioral shift will be inducing a mindset shift (at least for me!) For example, acknowledging that the behavior of "Hanging out with people that I don’t particularly like" is something I want (and need!) to say no to in the future, relieves me from the emotional burden of feeling guilty for not making an effort for others (even when I don't particularly enjoy hanging out with them!) Can't wait to see how the whole psychology of saying no will unfold in the future chapters 🙂
Structure: Nailed it. You get right at the heart of my resistance to this very provocative opening and in so doing soften my resistance. A nit: the paragraph "You don't need to be as accomplished… " is repetitive with with first resistance point. Keep to the theme that this guy was not a raging asshole and then you can tackle my discomfort. Breaking the work down into a personal exercise where I don't need to share it, is brilliant. You separate the problem of understanding managing my own behavior from the problem of communicating my efforts to someone else. Left to our own devices we confabulate. Great examples.They take this concept down into the scope and scale of my life. I can relate.Tone: It reads like a workbook. If this were a middle school math equation you would be "showing your work." I like this. It shows me that you have been doing the work. The authors have been trying out this material in a variety of settings vs. coming from on high with mighty but impracticable decrees. "If you want to solve this kind of problem do this math." See it works. Now its up to you to figure out if this is a problem you need to solve this kind of problem. Bigger Questions/Issues: Nothing changes the fact that we all need help. The best help is that which is mutual. When I make a request there should be mutuality in it. As a recipient I own determining if it works for me as much as (more than?) the requestor. Todo: Get clear about what I have to offer someone accepting one of my requests. Todo: Ask requestors why they think it would be a good idea for me to do their thing. (Assuming I want to engage at all.) I sometimes forget that mass, undifferentiated help just creates more noise for me. I'll do better with a couple of tight collaborators than a mass of 'supporters'. Todo: Look for the whole yes instead of luke warm compliance. Reject people just doing me favors. Todo: Be grateful for the hard No.
When I read "ten percent shift" I immediately think of Pete William's 10% Wins … such a good framework for rethinking growth of any kind (business, personal, time)
I appreciate the ideas of a "pre-emptive NO" and "iron-clad" policies as both an exercise and tools for protecting undesirable consumption of time due to the complexities of internal people pleasing belief systems. There is a great quote that I am pondering from " A Map of Future Ruins" by Lauren Markham. She states, that "a border is a fiction of grave consequence, [it is an imaginary absolute and the most tyrannical line of all]." You may be getting to this in further chapters, but it may be useful to consider a more philosophical lens, (or poetic a la David Whyte) through which to convey how to create and maintain our personal boundaries/borders as more permeable filters that allow for the novelty of an interaction with respect to preferences rather that the potential tyranny of absolutes presumed by the language you have chosen in this case. If we consider everything as threat to our time and resources "pre-emptively" and through "iron clad rules" we reduce the magic experienced through a random encounter that is more than meets the eye (or ear, or email algorithm). Of course, the fact that this opportunity to comment exists is a reflection that you continue to push the edges of your own boundaries to allow in something that defies the rules you set. Bravo! No right answer here, I love the opportunity to contribute.
That is crazy the amount of dopamine's rush I get when I receive your 5-Bullet Friday with the link to a new chapter of this book. To Tim: have you ever been to Muscat, Oman? I invite you to come and visit, I am a great host 🙂
Great stuff so far both of you. For me my biggest issues is not that im swamped with obligations from outside, that i can´t say no to. For me the issue is rather that i come up with so many ideas and new things to test out, read up on, do, make etc. that i have a super hard time filtereing out/saying no to. This also applies to economics. I probably have some undiagnosed ADHD going on here. I hope that you cover the battle of saying no to yourself and your own interanl ideas furhter in the book. Looking forward to read the following chapters. Thanks again from Denmark.
Two big ones for me: I will not under any circumstances… engage in full conversations over text messageattend any social event where everyone's on their phone the whole time. Looking forward to what's coming next!
My only feedback: love the NO-tebook pun
Totally agree with Neil on creating my own Wilson letter, I seem to be the problem more than any action or commitment I did not want to do. Also being constantly accommodating when you don’t want to is not being nice rang an alarm in my head … Cant wait for the book.
Coming from an Italian cultural background, besides the great Friday email, it's both incredible and disruptive to see how Martha Beck's response isn't taken personally—or at least that's the impression I get. In Italy, there would probably be some lingering resentment
Love the idea of the comfort challenge. I plan on setting up my own “NOtebook” at least just to get my thoughts on to paper. I think once I have my selfish list out of the way and clearly getting my thoughts onto paper, then I will start making the attempt to just choose one of them and start acting on them. I think the majority of my list will be revolving around work, because that is the place I have the hardest time saying “no”, both to clients and co-workings. I also really like the question, which I wrote down, that Neil shared from Reboot by Jerry Colonna. I can see why Tim really likes this question as mentioned is the chapter by Neil. I would say, the self reflection of what I am doing to be complicit in creating the overwork conditions I am feeling, will be good starters to creating my Wilson letter. Thanks for this chapter and please keep them coming, I like I have said in a previous post, I am looking forward to getting my hands on this book because I feel Neil and I are cut from the same “people pleaser” cloth.
I started my self-preservation manifesto before reading Neil's section here, but I too found that I was directing a lot of my "I will no longer's" at myself; I will no longer be able to feed myself things that lack nutrition, deep meaning, spontaneity, or beauty. I'm at the least complicit in 90% of my list so far, and there are several where I'm the sole mastermind of the self-destruction. This was surprising to me, which is not surprising. My letter doesn't feel complete, I believe I'm going to be more aware of these side-tracking habits and requests and continue adding to my manifesto.
I wrote my letter and I honestly didn't realize all the ways I've been complicit in creating conditions I loathe. A few highlights: – I negotiate with my children, my husband, and my parents. All others need not attempt. If my children, husband, or my parents take on the role of “terrorist,” they also will have an immediate revocation of this standard. —“That’s a hard no” is the official language to my immediate family that negotiations are unavailable. – All mechanical issues (including cars, appliances, technology) will get 1 service call per quarter, beyond that an upgrade is in order. – Saying “yay, I’m good” when I am in fact not good. – I no longer buy gifts for people who are not fun to buy gifts for or are generally shitty about it.
Tim, great book. As I read thorough these first two “step” chapters and read through the comments, I wondered if this “No book” is going to be separated into sections similar to the 4 Hour Chef which is The Domestic, The Wild, The Scientist, etc.. Reading one of the comments from Step 1 about how “someone said yes,” and it turned out to be a wonderful experience, and then another comment in Step 2 about a woman not know what their large rocks were, I think this book may benefit if it slows down like your other books and prepares someone for a level of maturity to follow these steps. Or if perhaps the steps are when you have already reached a level of skills like in the 4 Hour Cher. I say this because it was a bit intimidating reading the Wilson Letter and then also the abridged letter from Maggie because I saw two people really zeroed in on their careers because they had really clear audiences to say no to. When I was writing my letter, I wasn’t quite sure who the audience would be. Would it be work colleagues, new/old acquaintances, my son, wife, family friends, or my brother/sister or my parents? It wasn’t clear who we should write this letter to. I like how you did give some context showing it didn’t need to be just work related by saying no to “babysitting jobs, or doing shots when someone is buying for the table” but it wasn’t clear who, and maybe the who isn’t someone, but actually saying no to to my inner self that wants to binge watch a TV show to feel better for myself.
I've come to two very powerful conclusions since starting this NO journey: If you don’t carefully curate the people around you, you’ll end up surrounded by those who simply demand your attention the loudest.I've had a hard time accepting the principles in this chapter because I think: "I wouldn't want somebody to say no to me like this". But I think it's valuable to reframe and understand that somebody saying no to you is about them mostly, there's no need to take it personal. Try again later if the door is left open and try again elsewhere if it's not.
Excited for the next chapters! I need the help 🙂
Greatly enjoyed reading this chapter and I have started applying it immediately. It already has made me aware of what I am doing wrong.
My takeaway: I’m far more complicit than I thought I was. I really appreciate Neil’s contribution at the end, because I’ve realized many of my problems come from me concealing certain parts of myself from others. For example, at work, I say “yes” to keep appearances and make it seem like I care about things I don’t actually care about. I’m afraid to say “no” and reveal to people that I’m not 100% bought in.
Yes, Reid, right there with you. I love stealing my own time! Good idea to add a section of the letter to yourself. I'm interested in too many things at the moment, but I want to go deep on a few things and not skim the surface on a hundred
The song is running in my head when I read this ha!
This is a great point – sometimes we are really bad at predicting what will make us happy, especially if there is an element of uncertainty to it
I hear you Sarah. My own strategies when stuck in the grey area: feel out the yes scenario and the no scenario and see what the body feels in each, stand like a tree Qigong pose (this usually produces clarity within seconds, why not do 8 breaths tho?), check if I'm in a place of love or fear with the decisions coming up, there will be more and there's always the "f*ck it" decision too! 🙂
This is so me, I can't decide what I want. Will it be fun, or draining? Although oe that i think about it more,, I have to admit, if there's more than me and one other person there, 95% chance its going to be draining.
Interesting… I am interested in comparing these 2 books/ideas also. My guess is Tim's book and Michael's book are 2 ends of a spectrum, and everyone can make some progress one way or the other towards balance…
Great point Audrey. The Let Them Theory could be useful here
If you like the “Morning Pages” and “Raging at the Page,” Oliver Burkeman in Meditations for Mortals mentions the idea of “free writing,” which is similar, however you get to set your own time horizon to write in. I found that “Morning Pages” was too much as filling 3 pages was a psychological barrier for me. Free writing by setting a timer for 10mins lowers the barrier and helps overcome intertia when writing, well…anything! I’m about to use that technique with my own NOtebook. Love it!
Very valuable comments.
Agree with common theme of comments. We tend to be the biggest thieves of our time. I wonder how much wasted time of mine is just trying to avoid the NO because it feels uncomfortable.. The exercises look like a good starting kit for me to feel comfortable. Time to go and work on my selfish me. Thanks Tim and Neil.
I agree with you Sarah. In response to Tim's prompt of what our inner voice says upon first reading Wilson's letter, my reaction was: I don't know what to preemptively say a blanket-no to. And I can't trust myself to make the right decision. To support the above two points, my brain holds up as "proof": 1) Like you, there are times I don't want to go do something (like a gathering) and then afterwards, or even during, I'm glad I did. (Stockholm's syndrome?!) 2) I read books like Adam Grant's "Give and Take" and judge myself for not wanting to give without reservations. Because then I'm not generous, "not a giver", and will be punished as such. 3) What if, after stating say a blanket-no for something – e.g. I will no longer have my brain picked – I need to "pick someone's brain" in the future? How does one avoid being a hypocrite? How does Tim deal with this? Would love to hear Tim's take on these.
I'm interested to hear more from Tim and Neil on this too.
I am also interested in Tim's experience related to your first three questions: 1) "there could be more directions how to decide the things in our Wilson Letter. Is it just things that annoys us? To me it can also be: anything that is putting me in a tough spot or leaves me unhappy or results me to suffer and/or has no gain for me in the long term." –>How does Tim weigh these different dimensions – feelings, results, gain? I've of course heard about the full body yes, or choosing a rating on a scale without 7, but frequently these don't work because of second guessing oneself or being able to find exceptions. Even as children, many of us were pushed to do things – especially for or with other people – that we don't want to do "because it's good for us / you'll learn something / you need this skill." 2) "I would love to have more examples on personal life related ones" 3) "and when/if to make any exceptions. " –> The point of a 'pre-emptive no' is to not make exceptions, but does Tim not have pre-emptive no's that he would bend for close friends or family members? E.g., "picking your brain", "meet this person" etc. Thanks Tim and Neil for writing this!
Yes, I agree!!. For me it negates my need to explain why I’m saying no.
I hear you! Maybe a good approach could be: Default to "yes" when it's a grey areaBe ready with a "oh, no, I have to cut out early" excuse if it turns out to be a dud or too draining That way, you can give it a chance but have an escape plan if it's clear that it was a mistake. 🙂
I feel Adam Grant's "Give and Take" book is a double edged sword on motivating us to write the Wilson letter. For those who are somehow certain they give "too much", writing a Wilson letter may be compelling. But for others who compare themselves to many of Adam's examples (e.g., opening his entire network to any other person in his network) and find they fall short, may find themselves doubting whether they are "giving enough" to say no as they attempt the Wilson letter. Love your idea of keeping a list of yes's and your genuine and sincere "no message". Totally resonates.
Maybe it's easier to understand if there was a comma after 'don't want to'? It just means that if you are saying yes, but you don't wánt to say yes, you will probably build up a lot of resentment and negative energy that people around you can feel. And that doesn't feel nice for them at all. So that's why it's better to say no, not just for yourself but also for the one asking, if you don't want to help them.
I love your reflection here Sarah. I'm curious as to how this aligns with the question: write a diary entry as yourself in 3 years time, exactly what your day looks like, your life looks like etc. The reason I'm curious, is because around 4 years ago I was asked to do this future-self exercise and I couldn't even begin to step into it. I had absolutely no clue what that future me could be doing with herself. And that made me realise that I had no idea what I actually wanted from my life (motherhood tends to do that right!), so I think if I were back there now in that same space and faced with doing this exercise, I may have the same fear as you have here, it's like low key FOMO, but it's actually terrifying because so many possibilities for a future timeline that I may want. Not to just throw my entire reality onto you and say it's exactly the same for you, there could be no similarities whatsoever, I just thought I'd put it out there incase it moves something for you. Also, it's interesting that you mastered the technique with your 5 year old – you say he would lose his mind if told no directly – and so my brain goes… (coz I've been there with my kid) – and then what? What happens for you in that moment when someone else says no to you directly, your kid or anyone really. What happens for you, and there's perhaps something there to explore, that makes total sense as to why that happens.
So true. I added some comments to prevent me from jumping to another topic, task or project without finishing the one I am currently committed to.
Like coming at it from a fear or love place, that's a good mind set shift. I still think I'm a bit crap at figuring out what I actually enjoy and it's one of my main goals of my 40s to get to know myself and pay attention to how my body is feeling in given situations.
Your guess might be right, though we'll just have to wait and see. Though I will say, while Michael achieved incredible success both personally and professionally, he did have to deal with a major issue (I won't spoil it for you if you are going to read it) that I think may have been the result of saying "yes" to a couple people that almost destroyed his company. His positive and spiritual "yes" approach to everything both helped him succeed but also nearly cost him a lot. So I don't think that approach totally works. From what I've read so far, Tim's writing focuses on prioritization and learning what to say "no" to, not necessarily saying it to everything, but a lot of things.