Hi Friends,
Here is another chapter of THE NO BOOK, the book I am currently writing with Neil Strauss. As you’ll see, it’s a STEP comprised of a few pieces of writing.
Please leave your thoughts and results in the blog comments! I deleted all social media apps from my phone, but I will read all of the blog comments here.
And if you missed the previous chapters, you can find the introductions from both me and Neil here. You can find the previous steps here and here.
Enjoy!
Tim
CORE CONCEPT: FINDING BIG ROCKS – THE PAST YEAR REVIEW
Every day of our lives, we are on the verge of making those slight changes that would make all the difference.
— Mignon McLaughlin
We don’t beat the Reaper by living longer. We beat the Reaper by living well.
—Randy Pausch (1960-2008); “The Last Lecture” at Carnegie Mellon
San Diego, CA, 2009
The juxtaposition was odd. Outside, I could hear the “untz, untz, untz” of club dance music, and the hooting and hollering of revelers. Inside, I was sitting on a red, oversized chair that smelled like grandparents. I was trying to concentrate with a stack of papers, but the buzz from earlier champagne wasn’t helping.
It was New Year’s Eve, and my friends were on a beautiful outdoor patio of the hotel, where there were fire dancers, cocktail servers, and a motley crew of about 100 people getting hammered and looking forward to watching the ball drop for 2010. It was 11:45pm.
Roughly 15 minutes earlier, I’d received a text from my mom: the 10-year-old daughter of a dear high school mentor had been diagnosed with liver cancer. She was his only child, and the prognosis looked terminal.
Several hours before that, I learned that one of my friends in his thirties had died of pancreatic cancer. I’d gone skiing with him the year before and he’d been in excellent shape, kicking my ass on the slopes without a care in the world.
Getting drunk was no longer on my to-do list.
If time was our scarcest resource, I wanted to befriend it… immediately.
I stumbled through the lobby bar and asked a waitress if I could borrow a pen. Paper was somehow procured. Then I settled back into the big red chair to work on my first Past Year Review, which I’ve done every year since.
“According to psychologists Daniel Gilbert and Timothy Wilson, we have an unfortunate tendency to ‘miswant’—to want things that we won’t like once we get them. ‘In a perfect world,’ they observe, ‘wanting would cause trying, trying would cause getting, [and] getting would cause liking.’”
― William B. Irvine, On Desire: Why We Want What We Want
Before December 31st, 2009, I’d written down something like New Year’s Resolutions every year.
Some seemed reasonable, like “resurrect my high school Spanish” or “triple such-and-such income.” Some were ridiculous, like “develop the side splits like Jean-Claude Van Damme.” And others were speculative one-off experiences, like “visit Indonesia.”
Over the years, I’d noticed a few things:
– What I thought would make me excited or happy often didn’t.
– The side splits never happened, even though they showed up every year for 10+ years.
– Anything that didn’t get added to my calendar within two weeks of starting the year rarely got done. It was forgotten or got crowded out, such as the trip to Indonesia for more than a decade.
– What crowded things out? The main culprit was agreeing to things in the future that I later regretted.
I was thinking about all of this and more when I plopped down in the leather chair in San Diego with pen and paper.
Even to my booze-brain, it was clear that if I started with a blank slate (e.g., what do I want to do in the new year?), I was really bad at predicting what would make me happy in the future.
So, I did something simple: I went upstairs to my hotel room, got my laptop, returned to the chair, and reviewed the entire past year’s calendar, week by week.
That ended up changing everything.
The Past Year Review has three primary ingredients:
- Identify peak positive and negative emotional moments from your past year.
- Schedule blocks of time for positive people, activities, and places on the calendar immediately, before they get crowded out. You can figure out the details later. For now, just get them in your calendar and defend them like your life depends on it, because it kind of does.
- Create a clear “no” list, based on 1 above. This will play nicely with your Wilson letter.
Even though this is a book about saying no, the most important part of this exercise is identifying the positive, finding things you’d say yes to again. You’ll spend a lot of time looking at your no’s, but you’re going to put your big rocks in the jar first.
Let’s walk through putting the whole recipe together.
COMFORT CHALLENGE: PYR – IT’S YOUR TURN
The Past Year Review (PYR) will be one of the more important exercises you do in this book, so don’t skip it. Future steps will depend on your answers, and the 30-60 minutes you put in just might change your life.
New Year’s Eve isn’t necessary. Just review the past twelve months. It looks like this:
PHASE ONE – REVIEW THE PAST 12 MONTHS
- Grab a notepad and create two columns: positive and negative. If you want to type, go for it, but I usually start with handwriting.
- Go through your calendar from the last year, looking at every week. If you tend not to calendar items, review your texts or emails instead. I’ll often do a quick subject-line scan of my inbox after my calendar review. It’s surprisingly fast, especially if you focus on your Sent folder. If you want to go the extra mile, one test reader went through the photo album on his phone, where he discovered all kinds of last-minute yesses that he had never calendared. Last but not least, I use The 5-Minute Journal on an ongoing basis, and a quick flip through helps the PYR tremendously.
- For each week, jot down any people, places, activities, or commitments that trigger peak positive or negative emotions. Put them in their respective columns.
For peak positives, look for moments that make you think, “I’d love to do that again” or “I should do more of that.” For peak negatives, identify moments that elicit a wrinkle of the nose or thoughts such as, “I never want to do that again.” The list will often include things done out of guilt, fear, or prestige-hunger. For bonus points, look at your sent messages, and see which text or emails provoke an automatic “ugh” or exasperated sigh. Listen to your physiology.
- Once you’ve gone through the past year, look at the list you made and ask, “Which 20% from each column produced the most reliable or powerful peaks?”
PHASE TWO – ENGINEER THE NEXT 12 MONTHS FOR SUCCESS
- Based on the answers, take your “positive” 20 percent and schedule more of them in the coming year. Get them on the calendar now! Book time with friends and prepay for activities, events, trips, experiences, and other things that you know “work” for joy and well-being. It’s not real until it’s in the calendar. Use sunk cost to your advantage.
- Step two is to write NOT-TO-DO LIST at the top of a fresh page and add your “negative” leaders there. Then post it in a place where you can see these items each morning for the first few weeks after the exercise. This list should contain the people and things you know drain your batteries. The returns on your list can come fast!
- Keep your NOT-TO-DO LIST up to date. In the weeks after this exercise, you’ll likely notice new “I wish I hadn’t done that” commitments. Add ‘em to the hit list.
Those are the basics, but if you want to go the extra mile with your PYR, here are a few questions that I find helpful:
- Are there any months that look particularly busy or stressful to you? Are there months that are busy but not particularly stressful? What makes them different?
- Did any relationships or commitments affect your sleep? When did you have your best sleep? When did your sleep suffer? To quote Jodie Foster, “In the end, winning is sleeping better.”
- Is there anyone who you would actually pay to never email or contact you again? If you had to put a maximum number on it, what would it be? $10? $100? $1,000? More?
- Were you anxious about anything that didn’t happen? Or did you worry a lot about something that ended up very little? Write them down on your phone to review when you start spinning with “what if”s, perseverating, and worry in the future. Don’t believe everything you think. Sometimes evidence is the best tool for calming our hallucinating hypervigilance.
- Do you have positive clusters of experiences around any particular people or places? For instance, might you decide, as one of my closest friends did, that you’ll simply say yes to just 4-8 select friends or family for nearly any invitation, rather than deciding based on activities.
That’s it.
It might seem like a lot, but it isn’t. Investing 30-60 minutes will save you a minimum of dozens of hours in the future.
Remember: It’s not enough to remove the negative. That simply creates a void that will get filled by Janets, social media, or other wandering distractions that punish the unfocused. Get at least a few top positives on the calendar as soon as possible, lest they get crowded out by the bullshit that is always waiting around the corner to mug you.
Later in this book, we’ll explore how Neil and I choose major projects, career moves, and much more, but the PYR is the first critical chess move.
Do you now have a few big rocks blocked out in your calendar? If not, do not pass Go.
To quote the great sage, Ferris Bueller: “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”
ANATOMY OF A NO: LET ME PING YOU…
This no was written by yours truly to an acquaintance asking for a catch-up dinner.
Thank you, [NAME]. I’d love to meet up, but things are nuts for me right now (stories for another time and a glass of beer!).
Let me ping you when the dust settles a bit!
All the best to you and yours,
Tim
WHY IT WORKS:
First, it’s important to note that I actually do like this person, but my time was short, and I wanted to invest in my closest friendships with the limited time I had.
If that weren’t the case, I would replace “I’d love to meet up” with “I really appreciate the invitation,” and I would replace “Let me ping you…” with something like “I’ll have to raise a glass from the sidelines for now!”
Take a moment to re-read this no and see if you can identify the lesson? If you guessed the “let me ping you when the dust settles” sentence, then you’re correct. Most people might write instead something like, “let’s discuss next month” or “feel free to check back next month.”
This might feel like a success, perhaps even like a no. But in fact, all you’ve done is punted the no ball a month ahead. When that person reaches back, not only will you be back in the same position of having to say no, but it will be even harder to decline because you’ve already deferred once.
Offering to reach out at your convenience doesn’t invite a follow-up and doesn’t offer a timeline. Whenever possible, get the ball in your court and keep it there.
Missed the previous chapters? Find the introductory chapters here. You can find the previous steps here and here.
Comment Rules: Remember what Fonzie was like? Cool. That's how we're gonna be — cool. Critical is fine, but if you're rude, we'll delete your stuff. Please do not put your URL in the comment text and please use your PERSONAL name or initials and not your business name, as the latter comes off like spam. Have fun and thanks for adding to the conversation! (Thanks to Brian Oberkirch for the inspiration.)
I feel like this would’ve made a great first chapter. It was the most revelational for me so far and had a good foundation with the calendar.
This actionable approach and vivid retelling is what I came for, and this chapter did not disappoint. This is the most actionable chapter yet. It’s specific, but flexible and it comes from a personal story, not a generic parable (like the previous chapter). Love it. Also, the breakdown of the lesson in the “ping when the dust settles” was illuminating. Thank you!
Agreed, wholeheartedly. My comment on the previous chapter begged for what this chapter presents–how you do you know what the “yes” things are. This approach is concrete, actionable, and defined. I am off to get my pen and paper and do it.
Hey Tim, the Past Year Reviews have been really helpful for me, thank you!
I love the “let me ping you” phrase. How do you remember to ping the person once the dust has settled? I’ve found that often times once the dust has settled for me, I forget about the commitment I made.
Maybe that’s the point? If you forget it wasn’t all that appealing in the first place…
Or I find it helpful in the moment to set up reminders to myself in my calendar as a way to make sure I really do remember something.
I’m currently working up a notion template to collect all these awesome exercises. It’s also how I prefer to organize and keep everything. Happy to share with anyone who wants it when it’s done.
For this one the only thing that got me was I was sure who was talking. I guess since it’s your book Tim I should assume it’s you unless otherwise stated.
I think I thought it might be Neil because of the partying.
Aside from that. This paragraph in-between 3 and 4 really bothers me formatting wise.
For peak positives, look for moments that make you think, “I’d love to do that again” or “I should do more of that.” For peak negatives, identify moments that elicit a wrinkle of the nose or thoughts such as, “I never want to do that again.” The list will often include things done out of guilt, fear, or prestige-hunger. For bonus points, look at your sent messages, and see which text or emails provoke an automatic “ugh” or exasperated sigh. Listen to your physiology.
Great chapter!
The PYR pairs very nicely with a Sivers-style daily diary – https://sive.rs/dj
I can quickly Cmd+F / grep for words like “happy” on all my diary entries, to find peak moments.
This is a great suggestion thanks Aryan
Hi Tim,
Below are some thoughts I’ve tried to condense:
Lead with Mignon Quote and drop Randy quote farther back to right after this line, “put your big rocks in the jar first.”
Something you may find interesting that relates to, “Listen to your physiology.”
Potential Question #5 to follow this one,“Which 20% from each column produced the most reliable or powerful peaks?”
Potential new quote to follow, “PHASE TWO – ENGINEER THE NEXT 12 MONTHS FOR SUCCESS”
Big Change Idea
I have a few more ideas that I expect you may add in other chapters of the book.
If you happen to be in need of a sounding board, would be happy to chat about it tonight or this weekend. Will be doing my review tomorrow so thank you for sharing.
I so enjoy your clear, funny and engaging prose. I’ve heard you talk about these practices on the podcast – having the steps here makes this even more real, enjoyable and actionable. Thanks Tim!
Also: you should interview James Loriega – an actual American Ninja (Koga Riu, trained by Ron Duncan (the father of American ninjutsu). He’s a treasure of wisdom. Please consider it!
I’ve read all your stuff. I know to do this PYR. You got me, I’ll do it!
This is a gem of a practice because it acknowledges up front a fundamental truth: we’re terrible at forecasting our own happiness.
For my own PYR I added a third column, “Uncomfortable but Worth It” and asked, “What did I do this year that scared me but made me better?” Because my greatest breakthroughs often happen when I lean into discomfort — both big and small.
Ooh I love that addition — it ties back nicely to the discussion folks were having in Chapter 2, around the risk of saying no to potentially-awkward events that turn out to be the best night of their year.
Scared me but made me better, surprised me, or turned out differently than I expected? Not sure about the exact wording but I appreciate your idea of a third lens here!
And Tim I echo the thoughts above that this could make a great first chapter! Your personal anecdotes make this my fav chapter yet 🤓
Some really great concepts; I especially like the specifics about how and why you word the no response the way you do. I feel like a stack of example emails in the back of the book would be a great resource. I think lots of people struggle to correctly craft these emails. I think Chris Voss calls it tactical empathy. When having hard conversations, there is a ‘polite’ way to deliver no or bad news, and I think that makes all the difference, both for the sender and receiver.
Long-time reader, first-time commenter!
Seeing a few examples of changes that you made as a result of your personal PYRs, Tim, would be neat.
Do you have advice for dealing with negative family members?
I try not to put them in my calendar by themselves. If I have to see them in a family reunion or something like that, it´s fine… I can always avoid them if there´s more people around. But I absolutely don´t schedule anything one on one with them.
Tim,
Just to illustrate how these suggestions and findings can actually speak to different experiences folks from different walks of life have, and to humbly suggest a layered reading:
For me, multiple sections of this chapter nicely tied to the choices a tuned-in and present parent makes. Sometimes your personality and past experiences help you make those choices easy(ier) or naturally, and some other times your child teaches you.
Just one example:
About “let me ping you when the dust settles” (which can be literal with kids around, but I digress): You need to learn to prioritize your yes’es, or rather refine your no’s, in order to spend quality time with your kids and tend to their needs. Also, conversely, you need to be able deliver your no’s to your kids when necessary, but keep your promise to them when those no’s can become yes’es. Be clear, be consistent.
Thanks again for sharing!
So, do you have any resources that are Canadian-focused? I was reading your 4-hour workweek book and going through the resources you list, and they appear to be all American. I would go broke with exchange using them.
Many Canadians want to leave Canada, but the government’s restrictions are too stringent.
I didn’t go through the whole thing because I found it difficult to read.
I don’t read that much and English is not my native language, but I do read when the experience flows. A theme that interests me + easy reading is what I look for (surprise!) Anyway, maybe I just had too much coffee today since I generally do enjoy Tim’s work.
So far, so Tim’s astute and relevant blog, then… Randy Pausch Last Lecture… oh.
Completely switched gear, took Seth’s sdvice and ditched the chores.
Why have I not seen this before?
Tim, I’m a huge fan and have been following your work since the beginning—we’re the same age, and you’re my top parasocial relationship. I just finished The Surrender Experiment by Micheal Singer and couldn’t help but notice the contrast with Just Say No. I fully appreciate the importance of identifying ‘big rocks’ and filtering out distractions, but in my experience, you never know where people can take you. During my DJ career, it was often the most unexpected connections that led to the biggest opportunities. I’d love to hear your thoughts on balancing discernment with openness to serendipity.”
Tim,
Agree with the comments below that this is the best and most actionable chapter. I realized I’m having a hard time commenting on stand alone chapters without seeing “how the movie ends”. When I read your books, the big picture provides me with context to interpret the individual chapters. Not sure if other readers experience the same thing?
I’m hoping in later chapters you describe how to make the best of experiences for which you cannot say ‘no’ (e.g. terminal family illness).
This is the first piece from your upcoming book I’ve read. I have a dear space in my heart for NO. It was a skill I didn’t learn til I hit 40. My mom died when she was 50. I turn 50 this year and my hope is that my NO will give me a longer, most fulfilling life. So far so good. I often think of Gabor Mate’s When the Body Says No.
I’m excited for this book.
agree that identifying your big rocks should be the first chapter ! The ultimate reason behind saying no to other things.
This made me realize that I don’t put my friend time on my calendar, only my meetings and appointments (dental, etc.) I don’t have a record of meeting with friends on a calendar. That will change immediately. By not listing them, I am depriving myself of realizing how much time I actually spend with good friends. And how much time I spend creating art.
I’m looking forward to this book! This is a great chapter– the poignant NYE 2009 story draws me in and leads to the lesson about the big rocks, something I’ve heard about multiple times but fail to actually do most of the time. I’m looking forward to doing my PYR–that’s a great deliverable for this book. I love actionable takeaways! I’m an author and environmental consultant so I’m sure you can see why this resonates lol.
I really like this along with the idea of a No book. Funnily enough this has been one of my yearly review/ new year planning tactics for a while now as I heard you mention this somewhere on the internet a long time ago.
It is something I didn’t have down to a science so having it explained so clearly really helps.
The only thing to say about this segment of the book is that it feels like a good ending to book or potentially beginning. I like the idea of opening the No book and closing it almost a day by day or week by week guide to the year. With different challenges and experiments to follow.
Thank you for all your energy and sharing over the years. I’m good at saying No, so just happened upon this post this morning. Drank in 4 hour work week years ago in my 40s. Depression has been niggling me. Your structured assignments help. All the best!
“Smelled like grandparents”?
We’re not a different species.
And you’re old enough to be one yourself.
You’ve spoken about PYR many times on the pod, but the detail here is specific and to the point, which is great. The comment on browsing photos is an excellent shout.
I am also curious how you would handle spur of the moment catchups. Some of my closest friends occasionally message with “what are you doing in 30 min” – often when I find a way to make these work, they are the most enjoyable connections.
Thanks Tim & Neil.
Max
Getting the new chapter is the highlight of my Friday. I can feel myself start to get itchy waiting for 5 bullet Friday to land in my inbox. I did the exercise last night using my camera roll. I was surprised at how much the positive out weighted the negative (by a factor of at least 4 to 1), but I probably take photos of fun events more than negative ones so I’m going to go back through a second time with my calander. I spotted some interesting trends. Overall time with my kid is positive. I especially love volunteering at school except, it turns out, for feild trips. After reflection, I realize I like seeing my kid in his everyday classroom enviorment and find being out at the zoo or museum with hundreds of school kids to be overwhelming and stressful. So now I know, I’m not the field trip mom! Love this exercise for it’s simplicity but also as a way to look back and appreciate the beautiful moments of my life and intentionally fill the next 12 with more meaningful moments.
As much as I hate putting my thoughts out publicly on the internet, I’ve loved interacting with a community-style book chapter by chapter so much that I figured I’d invest by contributing my thoughts, since I find myself waiting for the next chapter more I do the next episode of a favorite TV series.
This chapter is particularly fraught for me. As someone with one of those really cool “I work in AI at a FAANG company” jobs, I find myself overwhelmed with all the “yesses” I have — the thirst for all the things I want to do — but limited by the time factor to pursue the deep thoughts and space to experiment to help me identify my big rocks. (so much so that I consider quitting a dream job for a sabbatical/zero $ making startup)
How do you think about the calculated tradeoff of saying “yes” to a lot of “nos” in order to build to a bigger goal, and how do you find big rocks to say yes to when you have a massively packed work week, 20 ideas you want to test on the side, while remaining a present contributor to family and friends? I want to move faster to identify the big rock “yesses”, so then I know what to say no to!
Thanks for this book – it means a lot to us experimenters out here.
Devils advocate here (by all means take with a grain of salt). It’s *not* that I didn’t enjoy this, the question I asked myself (& perhaps this was intentional), was that “is this another newsletter?” PYR is something long time readers have become familiar with (thank you), so it read a little like these without more of a punch I was hoping for (& I know they’re there!). Just a different perspective!
Revelatory activity! I was surprised to find activities that were underwhelming as stand-alone’s, but disheartening in the aggregate. Listing positives and negatives in tandem instead of serially also helped me suss out what I liked and disliked within activities and commitments. For example, I really did NOT like pursuing another unneeded degree, but I really enjoyed the learning and the subjects of the coursework. I can calendar in educational opportunities that don’t require a degree commitment, and that are more flexible to my schedule.
Hi Tim
for someone who follows your words, I found this chapter not very easy to read…the tone of the introduction was so different, and fiction novelesque, I had to come back and reread…the action content on the PYR and saying a “this door is now firmly shut” was great.
I hope you can include the consideration of experiences that are small and modest and sometimes surrounded by a spacious day, sometimes nothing is the yes choice. Nothing. The anticipation of freedom and just walking. I hope these smaller joys don’t go unnoticed and unnoted.
This stuff is hard to quantify and include and could be pushed away by awesome stuff or adventurous stuff.
Hey Tim, fellow bald Ivy League grad here—but while you mastered business, life hacks, and storytelling, I only learned how to do play and teach music. I now also do some research.
I’m a first-time author working on a Tribe of Mentors-style book, but for music educators—capturing the wisdom of some of the greatest (and soon-to-be-lost) teachers. One problem: in research, we protect identities. In books, we publish them. How did you handle permission and release forms for your interviewees?
Would love a nugget of wisdom from the master of extracting insights. If you ever want a bassoon lesson in return, I’ve got you covered. 🎶🔥
The PYR changed the way I plan my year every december. I review my phone to delete the past year´s photos and it´s really simple to observe my body reactions. Whatever makes me smile (or cry in a good way) goes to the TO DO list for the next year. Whatever makes me angry or brings back a bad memory goes in the NOT TO DO list, and it helps me calibrate my compass for the things or persons tha I want more of in my life, and the ones I´m done with.
Thanks for the PYR advice, Tim
Luckily for me, my biggest rocks are always people, not activities or places (my wife, parents, family, closest friends). Thinking in terms of persons is easier for me to know who do I want to spend time with and who to avoid. It´s usually people that go straight to my calendar. Some times, for business reasons I put in my calendar some people I´d rather avoid… but I guess that´s just the way it is.
I appreciate the concrete examples of how to say no gently and respectfully. I also find it helpful that you differentiated between a response for wanting to reschedule and not.
I will be using these in the future!
Definitely a keeper, and I liked the intro paragraphs that illustrate the bizarre twists/fragility of our lives. We never do beat the reaper, though. I didn’t think that was a great quote. Otherwise, I like this section a lot. I did my PYR over the new year using Tim’s method and – while I’m still stuck with some things I would like to just say no to – I find that the exercise is useful in helping me avoid/deal better with new “never want to do that again” people, issues, events.
I appreciate all that you and Neil share. This chapter feels empty and prescriptive, as though through the lens of one who hasn’t had enough pain, and so they continue to seek external anything + everything to find peace and happiness. I love Anne Lamott saying ‘No is a complete sentence’ and personally feel that is a way of liberation from the hamster wheel of chasing what you think you want and running from what you think you don’t. I know this book will be great once finished and I look forward to reading, learning and remembering more!
Great chapter!
I’ve been doing PYR for a few years now, but I’ll be adding the search through photos when I do it next year. Excellent suggestion!
My schedule has been really crazy.. only thing I read now a days is Tim’s new chapters. Thanks Tim.. ☺️
The PYR exercise was so helpful and clarifying, thank you! I’ve done a version of it for many years, looking back on my biggest accomplishments and the things I’ve done that have left me most proud and happy, but this was a much more focused version, consequently more helpful. Great chapter!
Awesome action steps given. Like the review then utilize data to schedule the next year. Our busyness in life gives us false feeling of accomplishment and steals our time to focus attention. Right where I’m at. Deep down know yet let the day take it away. Thanks for the insights
Again, I like the example of what to say as a no. It’s what I usually do – put the onus on myself to contact them – because when it’s someone that I’m interested in connecting with again, I’ll find the time.
I’m putting time now for PYR in my calendar to complete this week and a note for later this year to do it for 2025. I like the structure and will mix it into what I already do for reflection and planning. Thank you!
Love this, thanks. I already started year-end reviews based on yor previous mentions of it 🙂 One comment – although technically not for this chapter but for the one before. The previous chapter didn’t really have an exercise? I expected every chapter to have one.
When could we expect the next chapter? Is Tim making sure we all do the past year review before releasing the next chapter? 🙂