The thought-awareness bracelet and the latest straw that broke the camel’s back.
“This $@#&ing Mac will be the death of me. Intuitive, my ass.”
It just slipped out, and I don’t think I can be blamed. I was ready to leave the PC behind and take my mac overseas for the first time when I couldn’t figure out how to resize photos. On a friggin’ mac? I felt swindled. I also now had to move the bracelet.
For the last four months, I’ve been experimenting with a few types of thought experiments. The two most notable are Radical Honesty, which is 100% guaranteed to get you slapped or worse, and anti-complaining, which I’ll explain here. The latter started in my book agent’s office, where I spotted a pile of purple bracelets on his desk…
“What are these?” I grabbed one and it was inscribed with ‘acomplaintfreeworld.org.’
“Another author of mine. Interesting story, actually.”
And it was. The author was Will Bowen, a Kansas City minister who had recognized — as I have in a previous post — that word choice determines thought choice, which determines emotions and actions. It’s not enough to just decide you’ll stop using certain words, though. It requires conditioning.
Will designed a solution in the form of a simple purple bracelet, which he offered to his congregation with a challenge: go 21 days without complaining. Each time one of them complained, they had to switch the bracelet to their other wrist and start again from day 0. It was simple but effective metacognitive awareness training.
The effects were immediate and life-changing.
The bracelets spread like wildfire as others observed these transformations, and, to date, more than 5,900,000 people have requested the little devices.
“Can I have one?” I asked my agent.
It all made perfect sense. Fix the words and you fix the thoughts. I’m not a negative person, but I wanted to cut out the commiserating most of us use for 30-40% of all conversation (if you don’t believe me, keep track of how many people start conversations with you in the next 24 hours that center on a complaint or criticism).
I made it 11 days on the first attempt, then I slipped. Back to zero. Then it was two or three days at a time for about a month. Once I cleared 21 days at around month 3, I no longer needed the bracelet. I’m using the bracelet again now because I’m preparing for some large projects I expect to be challenging enough for Cornholio-style meltdowns.
But what is a complaint?
This is where I disagree with some of the rules set by Will. He asks you to switch wrists whenever you gossip, criticize, or complain, and the definitions can be a bit vague. He also requires you to switch wrists if you inform someone else they are complaining. I think this is counterproductive, as I’m big on constructive criticism.
I defined “complaining” for myself as follows: describing an event or person negatively without indicating next steps to fix the problem. I later added the usual 4-letter words and other common profanity as complaint qualifiers, which forced me to reword, thus forcing awareness and more precise thinking.
Following the above definition, both of the following would require a wrist switch:
“Man, I went into the post office and had to stand behind this rude jerk for 30 minutes. What a waste of time.”
or
“John can be such an a**hole. Totally uncalled for.”
The following variations would not:
“Man, I went into the post office and had to stand behind this rude guy for 30 minutes. It was a waste of time. From now on, I’ll go in the mornings before 10am to avoid the crowd.”
“John was a bit of muppet in there, wasn’t he? I suppose I’ll just send the e-mails directly to Mary in engineering for the next two weeks to get buy-in, then he’ll have to agree.”
Here are a few of the changes I noticed then and am noticing again now:
1) My lazier thinking evolved from counterproductive commiserating to reflexive systems thinking. Each description of a problem forced me to ask and answer: What policy can I create to avoid this in the future?
2) I was able to turn off negative events because the tentative solution had been offered instead of giving them indefinite mental shelf-life (and “open loop” in GTD parlance), resulting in better sleep and more pleasant conversations with both friends and business partners.
3) People want to be around action-oriented problem solvers. Training yourself to offer solutions on-the-spot attracts people and resources.
###
For those interested in the more sophisticated applications and results of the the no-complaint thought experiment, I recommend you order a copy of A Complaint-Free World. I received an advanced copy and finished it in one afternoon, ending up with two pages of notes.
Want to take the 21-day no-complaint challenge for a test drive now?
Last a friend checked, the bracelets had a 3-5-month waiting period, but a rubber band or other bracelet will suffice. If you want the real deal, I have four bracelets that I will mail (might take a bit, as I’m leaving the country Friday) to the best four commenters below who answer the question:
What other behavior, besides complaining, do you think people should stop? How could train themselves to stop?
Comment Rules: Remember what Fonzie was like? Cool. That's how we're gonna be — cool. Critical is fine, but if you're rude, we'll delete your stuff. Please do not put your URL in the comment text and please use your PERSONAL name or initials and not your business name, as the latter comes off like spam. Have fun and thanks for adding to the conversation! (Thanks to Brian Oberkirch for the inspiration.)
Making excuses for their actions; often another form of either lying or complaining
Just a suggestion: people (myself included) should definitely practice the art of being in service-to-others, rather than service-to-self. Gratitude, forgiveness, and the ability to openly admit when you are wrong (or better yet – you've wronged someone), would go miles on this planet…
My girlfriend suggests that people should stop talking about themselves. This is pretty much something that everyone does in excess from time to time. I'll elaborate on that and suggest that people stop having egocentric conversations. If you're talking about yourself, it shouldn't be a conversation opener, it shouldn't come off conceited or self boasting or braggy. Perhaps even changing the way you structure a sentence from "I think you should", to "maybe you should", or "why don't you", etc. Training yourself to stop can be achieved by a similar technique with the elastic band on your wrist, combined with an agreement of only a few close friends whom you trust. You'll rely on either yourself or these few friends to tell you any time you're being "self talky", and you'll snap the elastic band on your wrist or against your skin and train the bad habit out of you.
"What other behavior, besides complaining, do you think people should stop? How could train themselves to stop?" The most common behavior that I observe is people telling themselves that they simply can't do something. I often observe this in the classroom and also in the workplace. Sometimes it's in verbal form by saying something like "I just can't figure this out and I'm never going to be able to do this" or it is more subtle in the form of nonverbal cues like dramatically dropping a pen, grunting, and shaking their heads. A simple solution to this is not letting yourself give up on a problem. I make a point to not give up on a problem and to always come up with an answer. Sometimes this consists of asking myself a question and if I realize that I don't have the answer to it then I stop what I am doing and figure it out (solve the problem, do my research, etc.). That way, when I come to this problem again in the future I will at least have some background knowledge to the topic. This solution is sort of a lifelong learning tool that you too can apply to your everyday life.
Commit to not announcing aloud to another human, a big idea, a goal or project you want to achieve, until you have put at least 50 hrs toward its completion.
Projecting our own issues onto others. Instead of getting irrationally irritated by another persons particular behavior, we could go: "wait, why do I find this so irritating? Maybe I can look inward to find out instead of immediately point fingers outwardly".
People should Refrain from answers starting with "yes…but" and switch to "yes…and" which induces building on others' ideas instead of pulling them down.
it works! started 3 years ago (but not with petrochemical purple; got a cute bangle from Overstock) … immediately came a sense of relief, a "lightness of being"
I’ve tried this out since two months back, but what I actually found is a new lifestyle. This has changed my world upside down. I used to have anger tantrums every week sometimes several tantrums in a day. Nowadays with my new lifestyle Im in total control of my emotions and I dont get that upset anymore. Its like nobody can affect me that way no more. It has been a beautiful journey so far and I’ve actually become much closer with my family and friends. [Moderator: link removed]
I often make certain plans and never end up executing them. I usually regret not doing these things because they are usually triggered by things I wasn't happy about in the first place. So, one thing people should change is sticking to their plan no matter what. (A little similar to following discipline) For example – I wanted to not smoke weed with my friends so I could work out and read certain books. But I smoked anyway and felt bad about it. I would like to change this about myself and want other people to also change this as it would result in growth.
Behavior to stop: Coercion. The typical definition is 'persuading someone through force or threat' but I define this as the act of removing any option from someone else. I think it's ok to try to persuade someone trowards an outcome but the decision must be theirs.
I deal with people all of time who ard poor listeners and use others. It's challenge to keep setting boundaries with people just won't THINK. Ideas on using complaint free principles with these types?
Self-criticism. Putting yourself down or treating yourself to standards far beyond what you would require of others (and putting yourself down when you don't achieve them) is detrimental to your health. Just working on modifying THAT can produce amazing turnarounds with autoimmune disorders. Think about it – your immune system, the seat of your personality, had been attacking you. Is that not a mirror to how you have been treating yourself? Does the complaint list include self?
People, myself included, should stop procrastinating and multitasking. I think multitasking is a way of procrastination. We rather do a thousand things, except the thing we must really do. I read that we can stop these behaviors by facing and doing the one thing we dont want to do. It requires a lot of awareness and, in many instances i have been successful and felt like the thing i didnt want to do wasnt so bad, but i havent been able to completely stop the habit of procrastination.
One behavior people should stop doing is using thier cell phones during a conversation or at a dinner table. Checking your cell phone has become so common place that people don't realize they are even doing it. It'seems also distracting during a conversation and feels impersonal. They can stop using their cell phones simply by keeping them in their bag or on silent in their pocket (even the vibration from the phone causes your mind to stop and automatically switch to thinking about your phone). If you are with a group of friends it could be like a game where who ever catches someone taking out or checking thier phone they get to hold that person's phone until they leave. Who ever has the most phones at the end of the night wins and agreed upon prize. Their dinner or drinks paid for. Like the baby shower game where you take clothes pins from people who say the word baby.
I feel like the behavior modification that would most benefit myself would be analyzing past and previous occurrences. For a very long Tim I justified my rendundant anlyations as a benefit as to "learn the lesson and avoid repeating it". But as time has gone on I have realized that I have lost a great deal of time I could have used more wisely, by just being mindful of the present. I have allowed terrible people and encounters to take up space in my head for far too long. It's funny too, because if you asked people that know me, they would say how much I accomplish, but productivity is relative; to some my daily work probably is more than adequate to feel fulfilled, but when I internalize my time, I know I could make leaps and bounds of difference if I was able to break this negative habit. Safe and mindful travels… Cheers, Shannon
I think people should stop using the word “but.” Hear me out. Ever responded to someone by saying ‘that’s a really good idea, but..’ The ‘but’ totally discredits everything the person just said and shuts them down hard, usually provoking a defensive response using a similar “but” structure. This follows with a destructive face off where both individuals are trying to beat each other as opposed to a free flow of constructive ideas. Think about it next time you talk to someone.
hello Tim, people must listen less to what others say about them. Just do what your heart craving for
I behavior I think we should all stop doing is using the excuse, "It's too hard" when asked to do something. Something my friends have all started is going to the gym at 6am every morning. Before we started though we knew we would not have much buy in or may not have people sustain over the long period so we thought how can we make this fun? So everything morning we walk on the treadmill together reading a book for the first 30 minutes before the work out. When anyone walks in to the gym they see 8-12 people in a row walking on the treadmill and reading. So now when ever we approach some task we think, "How can we make this fun or funny? "
End negative political comments without providing a positive reinforcement statement on how your life can be great in spite of politics
People should stop chewing with their mouths open, especially on the phone. People could train themselves to do this by being punished with high voltage shocks, and I volunteer to be the punisher.
Self depreciating thoughts and words should be eliminated. I do get tired of reassuring others that they can do what they are asked to do. Having a changin in mindset and taking a challenge to think positive and tell themselves they can do things, and then do it. I love the idea of a wrist band to switch from arm to arm when they say of think they cannot do something. I also like a tally mark app on a phone to collect data on how often it happens and a reflection on how often it happens and what needs to change.
The Power of Hello – Say hello to the first stranger you come across on the street every morning ( Not 'Hi' or 'Hey') You're not a child anymore it's ok to talk to strangers. This is a simple ritual I practice to super boost my person to person connecter each day. By the end of the day you will have made contact with people who will enrich your day and by the end of the year your lives. When you forget and need to 'punish' yourself.. simply SING (yes sing) Hello to the next person you see to reset. Sometimes, in fact most often, the singing Hello will produce laughter and smiles in your fellow human. As my great Shakespeare teacher once told me 'When you get nervous you need not worry as it's not about you..it's all about the other, your character is revealed in them' Life is a stage, remember we are all players. Happy Helloing people side note for Tim: Tools of Titans and The Tim Ferris Podcast have both changed my life. I've gone from out of work actor to producing my own content. Currently in pre production for a series I'm shooting in London England next month. Will invite you to the premiere if you make it over.
People need to stop wearing "busy" like a badge of honour–i.e., I'm busy and important people are always busy; ergo, I am an important person. The opposite is also true–people need to stop complaining about being busy as though life is just happening to them, as if some omnipotent being just keeps dumping more and more stuff on them. Both busy and proud, and the powerless busy and stressed out suffer from the same problem. They aren't prioritizing and focusing on what they chose to pursue. The solution is simple in theory, but maybe a bit harder in practice–everytime you catch yourself telling people your busy, or complaining that you don't have enough time, force yourself to identify–right then and there–your top three priorities. Or force yourself, as a penalty, to drop something out of your routine anything that takes up your time but in no way furthers any of your priorities.
People need to stop complaining about aging/growing old. It is the one thing that, for sure, we cannot control.
OMG! I have one of these bracelets on now. I was at a talk by a channeler, no less. She threw them into the audience and one made a bee line for my purse. i.e. it was meant for me.
We can stop sabotaging commitments to ourselves – losing weight, sticking to a diet, deciding to give up a bad habit. Most often, I am my own worst enemy, especially when I break a commitment I have made to myself!
Keller said he appreciated Zesty's mission to improve the way humanity eats,” and the challenge of working for a fast-growing company that doesn't currently make its own food.
Doing things half assed should be stopped. By that I mean doing everything mindfully, whether it be your job, exercising, hobbies, relationships and friendships and so on. Imagine how much more fulfilling life would be if we stopped just going through the motions and really shone at what we do. (Shined?) Anyway, the bracelet thing seems pretty solid way to always stay mindful of things you are trying to change, I used to wear a rubber band and snap my wrist a little when I was trying to stop a bad habit
Using phrases such as "I think" or "I feel like" when expressing ourselves and just saying what we are thinking – it makes us sound much more confident in ourselves. Also a much harder one is eliminating "but" from our vocabulary — this is often followed by an excuse of why we believe we can't accomplish something we want. What I have been using is a rubber band around my wrist and I snap it each time I catch myself using these words/phrases.
I would have to say that people should really consider stopping their emotional constipation! Yes, I said it. Emotional constipation. We are bunged up emotionally and that inability to feel our feelings also leads to an utter inability to even consider that others HAVE feelings. It's a vicious cycle. So, stop the constipation, take an emotional laxitive (try meditation) and let it all out.
I think people should talk less and do more, me being the biggest culprit of how futile talking can be. Words without meaning and action area a waste of energy. I use to be the quiet observant type who used to lurk and listen in on conversations. I started noticing patterns and see how futile and empty some conversations were in general. Now that I've learned to express myself in worlds I see myself falling in the trap of empty conversations and wishful thinking which are just excuses to avoid physical action. I feel that me creating this post might just be another act on my part to perpetuate this behavior. I don't wish to add to the flood of empty conversations but wish to make this into one of the action which I struggle with the most: asking for help. I need help creating a habit of aligning my thoughts and words with physical action. I was unfortunate to be raised by a family who personally struggles in this particular area and who were unable to teach me this skill which is so important in living a fulfilling life. I don't want to fall between the cracks but be able to rise up from the adversity I've experience.
I know it's a late, but do you still have a bracelet you can send me? P.s How was your trip? 笑
What do we all need to stop doing? ARGUMENTUM AD HOMINEM! How do we stop? Imagine our thoughts and words are arrows. Ask: "Am I aiming my arrows at targets or at people?". Make the conscious decision: "My thoughts and words are arrows and with these arrows I will not kill." Before you follow that thought trail or speak/write those words imagine you are drawing a bow and focus your aim away from a person (or persons) and towards your true target then declare "I will do no harm". At that point either let it fly or simply put the bow down.
people should stop with the 'spotlight effect', as it limits connection and helping out both others and groups as well. the simplest thing I tried was to take a few minutes to write something with an ink pen on the back of my hand at the start of my day, to remind me of a few simple things. in this example, verbal 'nods' and general listening skills would be applicable. I'd abbreviate them to a few letters or symbols and not make it stand out too much.
Busy work. Useless busy work. People should stop doing things that don't produce results, for example responding to pointless emails or just working for the sake of working. Time you respond to an email just to say you got it, etc. adds up. Attending meetings that are pointless is a waste of time. Ask for the meeting purpose and your expected contribution before you accept it. We all should stop some of our habits just because they're the norm.
Hi Tim! Are you not allowed to complain in writing your morning pages either, then? I've started doing morning pages and find myself venting a lot in them and, well, complaining…should complaining be avoided in writing too? Thanks!
This was an amazing post! I'm going to embark on my complaint free journey today. Thanks for inspiring me Tim!
Derailing negative self talk…though I like your definition of complaining and your solution…to create a solution to go with your problem. So perhaps the experiment would have deeper impact if instead of stopping negative self talk we instead conditioned ourselves to add a constructive comment or solution that would close the loop.
I would definitely say that one needs to stop thinking that the world owes us something. This false sense of entitlement only leads to constant disappointment and frustration. Instead one should accept negative situations as due course, and find better ways to deal with them. Someone, maybe even you, used traffic as an analogy for this. The world does not owe us an unblocked fast lane all the way to work in the mornings. Nor does the person in front of us need to go any faster, only because we wish it to be so. But rather take this moment to be thankful that we have transportation of our own, or take the time to look around and enjoy the scenery. etc. etc.
I think comparing oneself to others is a very common behaviour that we should make an effort to stop. This can be stopped practically through discipline and pragmatism – reduce social media time, unfollow pages that make you feel inferior, stop getting into routine conversations where others are praised and you feel lesser as a result – and also mindfully where the surface comparisons can be sat with and disected and the realisation that the reality of how you feel goes deeper than superficial comparisons, that having certain things (material and social) will not make you better in whatever way you crave; confidence, loved, purpose etc.
People should stop complaining about polytics and “the system” without being a good person with the people around them. We can make a difference. Personally. Not politicians or a corrupted system. Bracelets for everybody! Love your work, Tim, really inspiring many people in very different ambits! Thanks! 🙏🏻
Great post! The concept of no complaining sort of Kinda reminds me of the book Four Agreements. The first one is "be impeccable with your word". That pretty much takes care of all complaining right off the bat. If I wanted to make this 21 day no complaining challenge even more hard for myself I would add eye rolling. It's silent complaining. I am a professional at it. I have the ability to roll my eyes in the back of my head like a scene from Beetlejuice. :0
Hi Tim, Marty here, from Australia… love your work, thank you for your generosity and insights, amazing. Working as a parmedic, I've seen and dealt with life's extremes, and the suggestion I would have would be the challenge of 21 days without self deprication or self pity, or self put downs, verbally or mentally. I'm looking at moving into helping people on a larger scale and I'd like to shake your hand one day to say thanks in person, especially for your work towards helping, and raising awareness regarding wrestling the black dog. Peace, best, Marty
I wish people wouldn't talk down to others or use a harsh tone when speaking..
Besides complaining: envy wishing something someone have even resources are unlimited, fear focusing on what we don´t want to our life and criticism when we talk about someone and that person is not present.
“I was ready to leave the PC behind and take my mac overseas” – Mac is a PC (Mac is the hardware, OSX is the operating system), and at least 10% of PC users are GNU/LInux users – and btw, at https://www.gnu.org/philosophy/words-to-avoid.html#PC we can find “The term “WC” has been suggested for a computer running Windows.” 😀
Love this. Been thinking a lot about negative thinking and how it derails me. I think of myself as a pretty positive person, but once the negativity starts, it's hard to stop the slide, particularly when stressed or distracted. I have been trying to stop mindlessly perusing social media (though mindfully doing it led me to this post, so….). I will use this same tool for sticking with a set time to check in on FB, Twitter, Instagram, etc. If I scroll outside of a set time, I have to start over. Thanks Tim for your great content! Recently started commuting and loving using the time wisely by listening to podcasts, you're being one of my favs.
Interpersonal relationships are a big one. There’s so much complexity, egos, self-confidence challenges. Things can be up, down, upside down. A really tough task I’ve been taking on is how to *know* when my partner is going through something without them telling me. I’m a strong, independent women. I like a strong, independent partner. We’re attracted to this idea. But we’re human so we don’t maintain strength *all of the time*. My thought is, perhaps there is a way to have a bracelet that we exchange, maybe without words, when we’re feeling like our partner isn’t quite getting us. It’s almost like moment where we act without words, ponder, and come back to it later with a different perspective. We all know relationships are challenging. Just a thought!
Suicide is one such behaviour. It is partly the result of complaining, negative thinking. So to avoid suicide you would need to first tackle your thought patterns. It is pretty obious but still worth noting. Robert
Self deprecating comments. Nobody wants to hear somebody else putting themselves down, even when masked with humour. It makes the listener uncomfortable and is an indication of low self-esteem.
Rudeness. Period. I began noticing a couple of years ago that people are just rude – at the grocery store they cut you off and don't say excuse me; on the road, they flip you the bird if you make a mistake or don't signal and cut you off in your lane. And what happened to good ole fashioned manners? Few people say "please," "thank you," or "you're welcome." It really began to bother me. More than that, I noticed that I was displaying these behaviors too. It sickened me and I didn't like how I felt about how I was treating people. I began to smile, at everyone. Then I began to say good morning, to ask the grocery clerk about his or her day, to say "excuse me," even if I wasn't the one at fault. And I'm not talking about the sarcastic, insincere "excuse me." But an honest, heart-felt sentiment. I have worked really hard at always being polite to everyone, thinking about how I want to be treated and sending that into the world. What I soon began to realize is that most people would smile back, say good morning back, and genuinely be kind in return. Somewhere along the way, our society lost touch with the golden rule. We need that to return.
Hi Tim, One of the other behaviors people should stop is "Story Topping" Everyone absolutely hates it when their best stories get trashed by someone else's. These "toppers" are the people who constantly feel they need to "add value" as Dr. Goldsmith says. Sometimes shutting up is the very best option to help make other people feel great! Hope that helps! With every good wish, Yehuda Gerlitz
Procrastination. Everyone, even the most successful people, have some elements of procrastination or delayed action in their life. Most of the time if we have our lists of to-do's or steps to take toward executing on a goal or project, the lists can run long and evolve into behemoths. And for many of us we may tick a few boxes off our respective lists, but never actually finish all the projects we'd like to because we often reward ourselves too often. I'm absolutely a proponent of taking realms and unplugged time but when your in work mode and intending to get things done, be 100% there and "jist do it" as Nike would say. Action will always trump inaction even if you make an mistake a long the way. So my point is, we should all take action and stop putting things off no matter how small or large.
I think that people should every day do at least one thing that makes them happy. In the rat race we forget about ourselves. And the positive energy never stops with 1 person, it spreads like a good desease. I learnt to do it and I wish more people would spend a couple minutes to do something good and feel better about themselves.
Judgement. It's really easy to point a finger or whisper to a friend about someone's appearance or voice or style but the we wouldn't want people to do that to us so we should make an effort to stop judging people. Please hook me up with a bracelet! I'll pass it to my wife ince I complete the challenge and then we'll definitely pay it forward. Thanks Tim!!
People should stop feeling like it is not okay to reach out for help. Every time you complain you think of a person that will have a great solution for the issue you have thought of.
People should focus most of their conversations on others rather than themselves. Nobody finds themselves more interesting than the person talking lol
People should stop making excuses – based on external factors – for mistakes they've made. "I'm sorry I'm late – I got caught in traffic". Instead, take full responsibility for the mistakes and move on!
In Stephen R. Covey's book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People he talks about proactive thought versus reactive thought. Saying something like, "You make me so mad!" would be an example of a reactive thought. The narrator has expressed their desire to remove themselves from their emotional reaction and put the blame on someone else. A more proactive response would be to think about why you are beginning to feel angry, and what you can do to change yourself so the situation doesn't arise again. I have chosen the words React and Respond carefully here. A reaction is a knee-jerk instinctual twitch, with little to no thought involved. A response is a thoughtful, empathetic interchange with growth and understanding being the desired effect. For that thought I give credit to Jason Mayden, whose interview on Impact Theory was one of the most inspirational interviews I've ever heard.
I love how I can arrive on this site at any time and walk away with something so fucking worthwhile! Thanks, much appreciation 😍
I think double-ignorance (not knowing someone doesn't know something) laid out by Plato in his dialogue titled Alcibiades should be avoided by people. He puts forth that this type of ignorance is the root of many problems in our world. People could change this behavior by analyzing their beliefs and world views, and admitting to themselves they may not know things completely, which brings them to single-ignorance (awareness of one's ignorance) which could then lead to knowledge. As Plato states, "wisdom begins in wonder".
Reading this almost 10 years after it was written, I was struck by a couple of things: 1. Some studies have shown since then that (particularly in females) complaining makes them healthier and more stress free. https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/02/complaining-for-your-health/385041/. There are other studies I have read about this relating particularly to female relationships and I have not found them yet; 2. I have found anecdotally that people don't know how to relate to you if you don't complain. I used to work in retail and I had worked in a particular store for years when one day I said something about having a hard day. Someone said to me that they had never heard me say anything negative before and now they felt I was more human. As an experiment, I started to complain more at work and people seemed to be able to relate to me more. It is like people saying they are voting for a president because they feel they could have a beer with him (i.e. Bush Jr. and Trump). We all want to relate to those around us and be heard/understood by them. I definitely would like to try this out as I do feel I have become a bit more complain-y than I used to be and that makes me feel bad, especially when it is consistently about the same person, relationship or event. I also recognize, that if I don't complain, I explode from all the anxiety I have from feeling so alone in my emotional state. SO, constructive complaints! I like the idea of having an action item attached rather than being just negative. People wanting to be around doers is a very male approach to life. I don't always like getting advice – especially when I just want to vent – I just want to feel like I am being heard.
People should stop making excuses. When it comes to performing actions or making decisions, people usually tend to find ways out of it by replacing the relevant task, by something easy and unimportant for the further development of the person or one's goal (in some cases we also call it procrastination). Additionally some people love to put the blame for their own failure on somebody else destroying that way the team's spirit or their relationship. We are all anxious about our future and consequences of our decisions, but still we need to find a way how to stop balancing reasons and become more risky.
The first linguistic mind control experiment I have seen came from occultist Aliester Crowley and was simply to avoid the use of the word "I." (He also suggested a shallow cut in the skin with a razor rather than switching a bracelet for failure – no thanks! I just snapped a rubber band.) I found it gave me more awareness of my speech but I never really figured out the purpose, if there even was one, beyond that. Others reported mystical experiences to which I am either immune or less inclined to lie about. I subsequently discovered the work of linguist Alfred Korzybski (Google his name and "dog biscuit" for an amusing illustrative story) and something he referred to as E-prime – essentially English without the use and form of the "is of identity." "The boy is running" is fine, "the boy is an incorrigible douchenugget" would need to be rephrased to something like "the boy has been exhibiting some very douchey behaviors and I have not been able to compel him to change." The former version implies and unchangeable trait intrinsic to the boy while the latter allows us to consider there may be something else we can do to bring the kid in line. He may need more discipline or maybe more love and reward when he does behave so he doesn't form an identity as a " just a bad kid." (This example is in no way inspired by my middle child. Nope. Not at all.) With this experiment, I really experienced the number of assumptions built into my thoughts and speech. Hearing myself say things differently made a huge difference. The downside is I talk funny and have to make an effort not to use this when trying to be more persuasive. There are lots of changes I could imagine having good and maybe even unexpected results. Eliminating profanity could be one, for someone who uses a lot of it. Changing the volume of one's voice is another – I tend to be too quiet, so I think I will try switching the bracelet any time someone asks me what I said. Women (I understand this is a problem for women) could try getting the excessive "pleases" and "if you don't minds" out of their professional language. Those interested in arrant pedantry could use this stop ending sentences with a preposition. Another idea is to switch the bracelet any time you leave a comment longer than the original post. Unfortunately I don't yet have a bracelet…
I'm hoping someone put in here blaming the 'Government' for everything that is wrong with society. With so many expecting legislation before changing their own behaviour it is no surprise the world is in it's current state. We all need to take more responsibility for our behaviour, everything from community spirit to environmental conscience. Teachers should this… The Government should that… Be the change you want to see people!
To me your examples above of variations of no-complaints like "“John was a bit of muppet in there, wasn’t he? I suppose I’ll just send the e-mails directly to Mary ……” is still a complaint because you didn't have to say John was a bit of a muppet. If you omitted that word "muppet (this is called labeling in my book) and just described what it is that he did or didn't do and continued with the next sentence, then yes I would not consider that as a no-complaint.
Personally i think that some sort of safety valve is useful. Keeping all negative emotions inside can make you boil. Of course thinking of other people in pessimistic way is a mistake, but you should never tame your demons or they will get only stronger
I would like to see people stop exaggerating. Everything is "awesome", "amazing", "horrible", "the worst"…. Can't we just have some honest, plain language conversations??? Getting someone to stop something starts with awareness; which is why the bracelet is such a great idea. Let's just stick with that concept; give yourself a challenge and move the bracelet as needed. 🙂
Mr harish md aurz pharmacy company Bangalore tortured by mind control technology I want to teach a lesson what I have to do
You asked: What other behavior besides complaining should people stop, and how should they train themselves to stop? My answer: People should stop the nasty habit of engaging in "waiting-to-talk" conversations, in which you're not really listening to the other person as much as waiting for that person to pause so you can say what you want to say. These conversations are often a form of showmanship, either in personal or professional settings, to allow oneself to appear smart, clever, connected or funny. But the acute listener knows s/he is not really being heard. So the habit is self-defeating and, as well, shallow. Because, as Simon & Garfunkel famously put it, you're "hearing with-a-ouut listening. You can train yourself to stop this behavior this way: when you catch yourself waiting to speak instead of authentically listening, acknowledge it to you interlocutor and ask for a reset: "I'm sorry, you said something really interesting just then, but my mind wandered, and I missed it. Can you tell me again?" Such a response is authentic, genuine and appreciated by the perceptive people whom you want to cultivate as your advocates. As with most things, acknowledging fault and making an effort to correct things wins the day, and papering over your mistakes and hoping nobody notices does not.
Mindless excuse-making. I see this mostly in the form of "I dont have enough time to exercise/meditate/read/etc." (I am guilty of doing so). I feel like its hard to not find 5 mins a day where you arent doing something. I find that the best way to eliminate mindless excuse-making is to write out your average day and find times where you generally aren't doing something. Then, dedicate little pockets of time to whatever you didn't feel like you had the time to do before. I find that it helps to do mini versions of activities. For example, if you work in the office but dont have the time to do a full workout, dedicate 5 minutes twice a day to walk around the block. Simple and effective!
Stop simple sitting, this is where we sit for the sake of sitting. There are a bunch of times every day that we sit when we could stand and/or move. Run to the local shop rather than drive, the school run could be just that. Eat standing. Walking meetings not new idea but new practice for most. Honestly i could write a book on the subject…hmmm there's an idea, and i will only write when NOT sitting!!
Self deprecation or comparing ones self to others. Saying things like "I suck at this" or "I can't do this" or "so and so it way better at x then me…". Replacing these auto responses with more constructive phrases like "I currently struggle with x and I'm doing x to improve" (yes I stole this from P90x but its awesome!) or even asking someone what they did to achieve the skill level you want and are comparing yourself to. I am doing my best with this while trying to learn to play the guitar and sing. It's so easy to mess up and say something like "I suck" (which isn't helpful in anyway) instead of accepting making mistakes as part of the learning process. It's also easy to compare yourself in a negative way to someone who has put in thousands of hours to get to their skill level. It would be interesting to track adding behaviors in a similar fashion for example: giving honest, sincere appreciation a la Dale Carnegie.
I think the band could be used for over apologizing. I am guilty of this and have noticed other will tell you their fee in act like they are asking too much for their service with an apology. Also apologizing for something beyond their control over and over again. Once is enough.
This will be challenging. Going to have a crack starting now.
This is easy, Tim. Unfortunately, I'm not going to list a behavior to stop. I'm going to list a behavior to start (which will act as a "lead domino" and prevent numerous negative behaviors). The idea actually comes from Tony Robbins, so he gets the credit. Action: Pay attention to your identity. If you view yourself (not how you want to be, or should be, but how you actually are) as a complainer, you will complain. If you identify as a solution-oriented person, you will look for solutions where things can be improved. How you identify yourself affects every interaction in which you are involved. Change your self-identity. Change your life.
Well I'm a Little late it seems, but stombled over this post because of the Podcast. Nice Thing, going to test it out. Other things to condintioning?: What about "Not-giving-advises-when-you-re-not-asked-for" I Thing this common manner inhibits good listening skills. And snapping a rubber should be working as well. I would not now on wich day of a challenge I am, but the Feeling of a snapped rubber should be enough to cure bad behavior. Greetings Thomas
A good behavior change would be exluding “but” as part of a reason something occurs. Such as I am sorry I didn’t get the project done on time, BUT it wasnt my fault I lost internet access an hour before the deadline.
I think when you find the peace of God and scriptures flowing through your mind I think that would help tremendously on having a thankful heart and songs and hymns in your heart that set of complaining
I just heard about this challenge on a recent podcast. I’m going to give it a try. I really like the addition of no swearing as that’s something I’d definitely like to cut out of my everyday speaking habits.
A lost behavior is common courtesy. Please and thank you or a simple acknowledgement that you are sharing the same space with someone with a smile or excuse me. We need to bring back manners to show mutual respect.
I love the idea of using the bracelet for the 4-letter words. I've been swearing far too much lately, and at the end of the day, that's a kind of complaint (at least in the way I use those words). Will definitely give this a try. I'm also going to use a bracelet that's harder to take on and off so I do some thinking prior to blurting out things, because I do far too much of that too.
1. Avoiding the difficult path; the road less traveled. Getting out of our comfort zones 2. Pointing blame instead of looking in the mirror 3. Narcissism
Poor health! So much if what we suffer from is self affordances. You would advise a dear friend to please follow their physio prigram, get fit, quit a bad habit but won't extend yourself the same concern… maybe change the conversation to "Wow! I feel stronger than ever…I have started xxxxx and it's really helping!"
Hey Tim, I started 21-Day no complaint challenge, but after 10 days of continuous going back and forth on changing the bracelets from one hand to another.I got frustrated and gave up. I want to start challenge again, I was wondering if you could provide any tips.
The bracelet is a great idea. I’d suggest using a similar system for every time one gives oneself a let-off by making excuses for not doing something, doing it properly or immediately. Excuses might be simple like,’No one will know’ or ‘No one will see it anyway’ through to,’ It’s all my parent’s fault for not supporting me’ or ‘I can’t do that because; my education was bad/ I grew up in a poor neighborhood/ people like me wouldn’t be allowed’. You get the idea. I think those kinds of excuses hold us all back, so overturning those ideas could free us of those self-defeating behaviours.
Hey, let's all stop being our worst enemy: "I'm such an idiot'", "I'm ugly, I'm fat'" etc. Language we use on nobody but ourselves – let's apply this method to this 'srlf harm'.
Saying I believe. As an identity statement I believe is a limiting belief that keeps you fr a knowing.
Hi I actually met a gentleman and We are in a relationship nowAnd I am pretty happy inThe relationship. We were getting along well and we have plans for the future we have plans to get married and buy a home together and that is going to happen I know that. I recently had some things going on with this gentleman where he didn’t consider my feelingsI have a lot of self love them myself I also am a priority in his life I know that and what it is is that he has these friends the female women these fetishes and things that are trying to come in and take over and I am going to ever meet that they go away and that we continue to have a great relationship I did not complain really about theFetishes he has you know I just excepted him the way he was he went ahead and asked it on a couple of his fetishes the other day behind my back and then he came out and told me that he did those things and Felt betrayed and let down and I’m not gonna let it take over my life you know I’m not gonna complain about it anymore to him or anybody else the way I felt when it happened but I do love myself I know that I’m cherished I know that I’m a priority I know that I am important I know that I am secure I am confident I matter I am loved I am lovable I’m capable of being in a committed I am in aCommitted faithful trustworthy relationship and this man is is going to get it together as I am going to get together I have relationships that last I have to know if and believe this I Have the kind a relationship others are envious of I deserve a man who is going to spoil me and treat me like a queen and only has eyes for me and desires for me I deserve that stole from now on I’m just going to if I feel like I need to complain you know just pray
Behavior to Change: Procrastination. With so many new distractions with technology and networks, people are losing much of their time and opportunities to pursue their goals or give their time to a worthy cause in their life. Maybe it’s a book they don’t finish, seeing an opportunity in which a neighbor or friend can be assisted but not offering a hand, a project to help in the community , a conversation with their child, a bible devotion, a food drive, working out, a diet change, or any of the other innumerable options to better ourselves and our communities not taken for whatever reason. Solution: Donate something you own when you find yourself directly impeding your own progress. You may start with things you just wouldn’t mind getting rid of, but eventually you will reach a point where your options are all important to you. So you will both remove clutter and surround yourself with what is important to you; and with the goal of removing procrastination from you life. Anti-procrastination then becomes symbolic of the important things in life, motivating you to take action and being mindful that your time itself is important.
Hi! I love this and think people (including myself) should stop getting angry at inanimate objects!! We really look like a bunch of monkeys when we beat on our steering wheels because the car won't start or tap aggressively on the phone that won't work!!
I'd say Judgmental thinking. I try not to judge people on daily basis, I then found myself judging through thought, which is much harder to recognize than actually screaming your judgement out loud. I then started noticing how Judgement works, through seeing other people judging their peers or me, and I also started to observe as much judgmental thoughts as possible. After, a 3 to 4 weeks I noticed something incredible. I noticed that I was judging myself all along. One day I was driving, then all I see is a car passing beside me at high speed, I got the thought of "Woow Slow down @#&@head", I then became curious about that thought, which reminded me of the time I did the exact same thing. I learnt, to stop judging others I simply have to stop judging myself and accept my imperfections.
This sounds like a great challenge. It takes 21 days to form a habit or break one 🙂 I will give this a shot!
What other behavior, besides complaining, do you think people should stop? How could train themselves to stop? I'd recommend 'stop bad self-talk'; so really the same thing, but when you're telling yourself you're rubbish. As above, if it's constructive and has a solution 'I should have been nicer to that dude, I'll apologise', that's fine, but if it's really broad 'you'll never make it', 'you're an awful person' etc. then switch that bracelet. You need to treat yourself like you're your best mate. Loving and kind but with necessary gentle honesty sometimes.
They should stop looking for a mate and start doing what they love!
Typically negative emotions run deep and we tend to get pulled into a downward spiral that could lead to depression. Avoid negative emotions running deep by keeping it shallow. Example if you have a bad experience like a car cutting across from another lane in front of you, don't keep complaining about it throughout the day to the people you talk to. This way you avoid keeping and passing on the negativity to others
I believe it would be helpful if people would stop analyzing others, as if they’re their personal parent of life. Instead of looking externally, looking internally instead, asking “what is it in me that needs healing in order for me to move forward with love and understanding?”. Instead of the all too familiar, it’s them not me mindset. If the person is in the receiving mode, dropping seeds that would enlighten their mindset is how I train a new mindset in others. Sometimes it works and other times it doesn’t. I believe it boils down to the person being receptive or not.
I believe people should stop being guilty, or being angry/mad at themselves. Forgiving others is still an easy process when compared to forgiving ourselves. Maybe that is something that can be worked out with the same bracelet experiment.
Prevent people from letting their immediate circumstances cloud their decision making/attitude toward others in subtle ways. *Hangs up phone after bad conversation —> curtly replies to an important email* . Create a feature which queues/drafts correspondence so people are more likely to read twice before sending. Preferably it will hold messages for 24 hours, because it should be a phone call otherwise. Let’s all work slower.
Apologies for grammatical errors etc. typing on a 4" screen is tricky. LOL Also, good luck with the MAC. I just made the switch last June and still not sure that I am content with it. I pondered that as I googled YouTube videos how to cut/paste and screenshot LOL
complaining is strongly related to expectations – when we have no expectations about anything, there is nothing to complain about
You can apply the same 21-day rubber rand wrist rule complaining without considering your network means you have to switch hands.
Excellent idea! So, what you're saying is: Take an already great idea (21 Day No Complaint Experiment), and raise the bar by making it the 21 Day No Complaint, No Excuse Experiment, right? I'm in!