How to Say “No” Gracefully and Uncommit (#328)

“People are effective because they say no.” — Peter Drucker

This episode of The Tim Ferriss Show showcases two chapters from Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown (@GregoryMcKeown), one of my favorite books of the past few years.

The first chapter explains how to say “no” gracefully (and why most of us have trouble doing this in the first place), and the second one gives us ways to cut our losses and uncommit in the aftermath of a premature “yes.”

This should help you shorten your to-do list and lengthen your not-to-do list.

Enjoy!

Audio excerpted courtesy Penguin Random House Audio from Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown, read by Greg McKeown.

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Want to hear another podcast with lessons for overcoming fear in order to do the right thing? — Lend an ear to these nuggets of wisdom from Sir Richard Branson, Maria Sharapova, Vince Vaughn, and Caroline Paul. (Stream below or right-click here to download):

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QUESTION(S) OF THE DAY: What was your favorite quote or lesson from this episode? Please let me know in the comments.

Scroll below for links and show notes…

SELECTED LINKS FROM THE EPISODE

• Connect with Greg McKeown:

Website | Twitter

• Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown (Audiobook)
• Parks Felt ‘Determination Cover My Body like a Quilt’ by Wayne Greenhaw, CNN
• Chinatown San Francisco — The Largest Chinatown Outside of Asia
• An Evening with Dad by Cynthia Covey Haller, LDS
• The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change by Stephen R. Covey
• Social Conformity Definition: Normative vs. Informational, Study.com
• The Secret of Productivity Is a Very Big Waste Paper Basket by Kyle Kowalski, Sloww
• Paul Rand and the Story of the Most Expensive Logo Ever, grafiktrafik
• Supersonic Airplanes and the Age of Irrational Technology: Was the Concorde a Triumph of Modern Engineering, a Metaphor for Misplaced 20th-Century Values, or Both? by Dara Bramson, The Atlantic
• Sunk-Cost Bias: Is It Time To Call It Quits? by Margie Warrell, Forbes
• Henry Gribbohm Loses Life Savings at Carnival Game, Wins Stuffed Banana with Dreadlocks by Hilary Hanson, HuffPost
• Anomalies: The Endowment Effect, Loss Aversion, and Status Quo Bias by Daniel Kahneman, Jack L. Knetsch, and Richard H. Thaler, Journal of Economic Perspective
• Why We Love to Hoard…and How You Can Overcome It by Tom Stafford, BBC News
• The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown, Harvard Business Review
• The Sunk Cost and Concorde Effects: Are Humans Less Rational Than Lower Animals? by Hal R. Arkes and Peter Aykon, Psychological Bulletin
• That Sunk-Cost Feeling by James Surowiecki, The New Yorker
• Tootsie
• How Powerful Is Status Quo Bias? by Rob Henderson, Psychology Today
• Zero-Based Budgeting (ZBB), Investopedia
• Great Managers Prune as Well as Plant by Daniel Shapero, LinkedIn

SHOW NOTES

• The right “no” spoken at the right time can change the course of history. [07:30]
• Have you ever felt a tension between what you felt was right and what someone was pressuring you to do? [09:01]
• Courage to say “no” is key to the process of elimination and Essentialism, the disciplined pursuit of less. [09:40]
• As hard as it can be to say “no,” failing to do so can cause us to miss out on something far more important. Here’s a lesson from a noted Essentialist for illustration. [10:23]
• Stephen R. Covey didn’t just teach Essentialism — he lived it. [13:29]
• How do we discern the essential from the non-essential? [14:07]
• Why does saying “no” often feel socially awkward and how does it have the power to cause us physical discomfort? [14:53]
• The only way out of this trap. [16:00]
• What a notable “no” from Peter Drucker taught Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi about productivity. [16:24]
• The difference between essentialists and non-essentialists when choosing between saying “yes” and “no.” [17:39]
• Separate the decision from the relationship. [18:55]
• Saying “no” gracefully doesn’t have to mean using the word no. [19:32]
• Focus on the trade-off. [20:11]
• Remind yourself that everyone is selling something. [20:41]
• Make your peace with the fact that saying “no” often requires trading popularity for respect. A story about the designer who stood up to Steve Jobs and what happened NeXT. [21:04]
• Remember that a clear “no” can be more graceful than a vague or noncommital “yes.” [23:20]
• The “no” repertoire: eight responses to help you say “no” with grace. [23:53]
• 1. The awkward pause. [24:16]
• 2. The soft “no” (or the “no, but”). [24:40]
• 3. “Let me check my calendar and get back to you.” [25:17]
• 4. Use e-mail bouncebacks. [26:05]
• 5. “Yes. what should I deprioritize?” [26:58]
• 6. Say it with humor. [28:12]
• 7. Use the words “You are welcome to X. I am willing to Y.” [28:32]
• 8. “I can’t do it, but X might be interested.” [29:14]
• What the lessons of the Concorde jet and a massive carnival game loss teach us about sunk-cost bias. [31:16]
• The difference between essentialists and non-essentialists when choosing between staying a losing course or cutting losses. [34:58]
• Ways to avoid commitment traps. [36:09]
• Beware of the endowment effect. [36:28]
• Pretend you don’t own it yet. [38:30]
• Get over the fear of waste. [39:08]
• Instead, admit failure to begin success. [40:52]
• Stop trying to force a fit. (Don’t be Dustin Hoffman in Tootsie.) [41:32]
• Get a neutral second opinion. [42:38]
• Be aware of the status quo bias. [43:44]
• Apply zero-based budgeting. [44:33]
• Stop making casual commitments. [45:52]
• From now on, pause before you speak. [46:20]
• Get over the fear of missing out (FOMO). [46:56]
• To fight this fear, run a reverse pilot. [47:14]
• Why learning how to uncommit is crucial to becoming an Essentialist. [49:07]

PEOPLE MENTIONED

• Ernest Hemingway
• Rosa Parks
• Cynthia Covey Haller
• Stephen R. Covey
• Peter Drucker
• Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
• Paul Rand
• Steve Jobs
• Kay Krill
• Tom Friel
• Josh Billings
• Henry Gribbohm
• Daniel Kahneman
• Tom Stafford
• Hal Arkes
• Dustin Hoffman
• Daniel Shapero

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