Some Practical Thoughts on Suicide

timterrace___Flickr_-_Photo_Sharing_This happy-looking shot was taken in 1999, when I almost destroyed myself.

In this post, I’m going to talk about suicide, and why I’m still on this planet.

These are stories I’ve kept secret from my family, girlfriends, and closest friends for years. Recently, however, I had an experience that shook me — woke me up — and I decided that it was time to share it all.

So, despite the shame I might feel, the fear that is making my palms sweat as I type this, allow me to get started.

Here we go…

A TWIST OF FATE

“Could you please sign this for my brother? It would mean a lot to him.”

He was a kind fan. There were perhaps a dozen people around me asking questions, and he had politely waited his turn. The ask: A simple signature.

It was Friday night, around 7pm, and a live recording of the TWiST podcast had just ended. There was electricity in the air. Jason Calacanis, the host and interviewer, sure knows how to put on a show. He’d hyped up the crowd and kept things rolling for more than 2 hours on stage, asking me every imaginable question. The venue–Pivotal Labs’ offices in downtown SF–had been packed to capacity. Now, more than 200 people were milling about, drinking wine, or heading off for their weekends.

A handful of attendees gathered near the mics for pics and book inscriptions.

“Anything in particular you’d like me to say to him? To your brother?” I asked this one gent, who was immaculately dressed in a suit. His name was Silas.

He froze for few seconds but kept eye contact. I saw his eyes flutter. There was something unusual that I couldn’t put a finger on.

I decided to take the pressure off: “I’m sure I can come up with something. Are you cool with that?” Silas nodded.

I wrote a few lines, added a smiley face, signed the book he’d brought, and handed it back. He thanked me and backed out of the crowd. I waived and returned to chatting with the others.

Roughly 30 minutes later, I had to run. My girlfriend had just landed at SFO and I needed to meet her for dinner. I started walking towards the elevators.

“Excuse me, Tim?” It was Silas. He’d been waiting for me. “Can I talk to you for a second?”

“Sure,” I said, “but walk with me.”

We meandered around tables and desks to the relative privacy of the elevator vestibule, and I hit the Down button. As soon as Silas started his story, I forgot about the elevator.

He apologized for freezing earlier, for not having an answer. His younger brother–the one I signed the book for–had recently committed suicide. He was 22.

“He looked up to you,” Silas explained, “He loved listening to you and Joe Rogan. I wanted to get your signature for him. I’m going to put this in his room.” He gestured to the book. I could see tears welling up in his eyes, and I felt my own doing the same. He continued.

“People listen to you. Have you ever thought about talking about these things? About suicide or depression? You might be able to save someone.” Now, it was my turn to stare at him blankly. I didn’t know what to say.

I also didn’t have an excuse. Unbeknownst to him, I had every reason to talk about suicide. I’d only skimmed the surface with a few short posts about depression.

Some of my closest high school friends killed themselves.

Some of my closest college friends killed themselves.

I almost killed myself.

“I’m so sorry for your loss,” I said to Silas. I wondered if he’d waited more than three hours just to tell me this. I suspected he had. Good for him. He had bigger balls than I. Certainly, I’d failed his brother by being such a coward in my writing. How many others had I failed? These questions swam in my mind.

“I will write about this” I said to Silas, awkwardly patting his shoulder. I was thrown off. “I promise.”

And with that, I got into the elevator.

INTO THE DARKNESS

“They tried to bury us. They didn’t know we were seeds.”

– Mexican proverb

There are some secrets we don’t share because they’re embarrassing.

Like that time I met an icon by accidentally hitting on his girlfriend at a coffee shop? That’s a good one (Sorry, N!). Or the time a celebrity panelist borrowed my laptop to project a boring corporate video, and a flicker of porn popped up–a la Fight Club–in front of a crowd of 400 people? Another good example.

But then there are dark secrets. The things we tell no one. The shadows we keep covered for fear of unraveling our lives.

For me, 1999 was full of shadows.

So much so that I never wanted to revisit them.

I hadn’t talked about this traumatic period publicly until last week, first in a reddit AMA (Ask Me Anything), then in greater depth on Derek Halpern’s podcast.

What follows is the sequence of my downward spiral.

Reading the below, it’s incredible how trivial some of it seems in retrospect. At the time, though, it was the perfect storm.

I include wording like “impossible situation,” which was reflective of my thinking at the time, not objective reality.

I still vividly recall these events, but any quotes are paraphrased. Please also excuse any grammatical/tense errors, as it was hard for me to put this down. So, starting where it began…

  • It’s my senior year at Princeton. I’m slated to graduate around June of 1999. Somewhere in the first six months, several things happen in the span of a few weeks:

  • I fail to make it to final interviews for McKinsey Consulting and Trilogy Software, in addition to others. I have no idea what I’m doing wrong, and I start losing confidence after “winning” in the game of academics for so long.

  • A long-term (for a college kid, anyway) girlfriend breaks up with me shortly thereafter. Not because of the job stuff, but because I became more insecure during that period, wanted more time with her, and was massively disruptive to her final varsity sports season. What’s wrong with me?

  • I have a fateful meeting with one of my thesis advisors in the East Asian Studies department. Having read a partial draft of my work, he presents a large stack of original research in Japanese for me to incorporate. I walk out with my head spinning — how am I going to finish this thesis (which generally run 60-100 pages or more) before graduation? What am I going to do?

It’s important to note that at Princeton, the senior thesis is largely viewed as the pinnacle of your four-year undergrad career. That’s reflected in its grading. The thesis is often worth around 25% of your entire departmental GPA (English department example here).

After all of the above, things continued as follows…

  • I find a rescue option! In the course of researching language learning for the thesis, I’m introduced to a wonderful PhD who works at Berlitz International. Bernie was his name. We have a late dinner one night on Witherspoon Street in Princeton. He speaks multiple languages and is a nerd, just like me. One hour turns into two, which turns into three. At the end, he says, “You know, it’s too bad you’re graduating in a few months. I have a project that would be perfect for you, but it’s starting sooner.” This could be exactly the solution I’m looking for!

  • I chat with my parents about potentially taking a year off, beginning in the middle of my senior year. This would allow me time to finish and polish the thesis, while simultaneously testing jobs in the “real world.” It seems like a huge win-win, and my parents— to their credit —are hugely supportive.

  • The Princeton powers OK the idea, and I meet with the aforementioned thesis advisor to inform him of my decision. Instead of being happy that I’m taking time to get the thesis right (what I expected), he seems furious: “So you’re just going to quit?! To cop out?! This better be the best thesis I’ve ever seen in my life.” In my stressed out state, and in the exchange that follows, I hear a series of thinly veiled threats and ultimatums… but no professor would actually do that, right? The meeting ends with a dismissive laugh and a curt “Good luck.” I’m crushed and wander out in a daze.

  • Once I’ve regained my composure, my shock turns to anger. How could a thesis advisor threaten a student with a bad grade just because they’re taking time off? I knew my thesis wouldn’t be “the best thesis” he’d ever seen, so it was practically a guarantee of a bad grade, even if I did a great job. This would be obvious to anyone, right?

  • I meet with multiple people in the Princeton administration, and the response is — simply put — “He wouldn’t do that.” I’m speechless. Am I being called a liar? Why would I lie? What was my incentive? It seemed like no one was willing to rock the boat with a senior (I think tenured) professor. I’m speechless and feel betrayed. Faculty politics matter more than I do.

  • I leave my friends behind at school and move off campus to work — I find out remotely — for Berlitz. “Remote” means I end up working at home by myself. This is a recipe for disaster. The work is rewarding, but I spend all of my non-work time — from when I wake to when I go to bed — looking at hundreds of pages of thesis notes and research spread out on my bedroom floor. It’s an uncontainable mess.

  • After 2-3 months of attempting to incorporate my advisor’s original-language Japanese research, the thesis is a disaster. Despite (or perhaps because of) staring at paper alone for 8-16 hours a day, it’s a Frankenstein’s monster of false starts, dead ends, and research that shouldn’t be there in the first place. Totally unusable. I am, without a doubt, in worse shape than when I left school.

  • My friends are graduating, celebrating, and leaving Princeton behind. I am sitting in a condo off campus, trapped in an impossible situation. My thesis work is going nowhere, and even if it turns out spectacular, I have (in my mind) a vindictive advisor who’s going to burn me. By burning me, he’ll destroy everything I’ve sacrificed for since high school: great grades in high school got me to Princeton, great grades in Princeton should get me to a dream job, etc. By burning me, he’ll make Princeton’s astronomical tuition wasted money, nothing more than a small fortune my family has pissed away. I start sleeping in until 2 or 3pm. I can’t face the piles of unfinished work surrounding me. My coping mechanism is to cover myself in sheets, minimize time awake, and hope for a miracle.

  • No miracle arrives. Then one afternoon, as I’m wandering through a Barnes and Noble with no goal in particular, I chance upon a book about suicide. Right there in front of me on a display table. Perhaps this is the “miracle”? I sit down and read the entire book, taking copious notes into a journal, including other books listed in the bibliography. For the first time in ages, I’m excited about research. In a sea of uncertainty and hopeless situations, I feel like I’ve found hope: the final solution.

  • I return to Princeton campus. This time, I go straight to Firestone Library to check out all of the suicide-related books on my to-do list. One particularly promising-sounding title is out, so I reserve it. I’ll be next in line when it comes back. I wonder what poor bastard is reading it, and if they’ll be able to return it.

  • It’s important to mention here that, by this point, I was past deciding. The decision was obvious to me. I’d somehow failed, painted myself into this ridiculous corner, wasted a fortune on a school that didn’t care about me, and what would be the point of doing otherwise? To repeat these types of mistakes forever? To be a hopeless burden to myself and my family and friends? Fuck that. The world was better off without a loser who couldn’t figure this basic shit out. What would I ever contribute? Nothing. So the decision was made, and I was in full-on planning mode.

  • In this case, I was dangerously good at planning. I had 4-6 scenarios all spec’d out, start to finish, including collaborators and covers when needed. And that’s when I got the phone call.

  • [My mom?! That wasn’t in the plan.]

  • I’d forgotten that Firestone Library now had my family home address on file, as I’d technically taken a year of absence. This meant a note was mailed to my parents, something along the lines of “Good news! The suicide book you requested is now available at the library for pick up!”

  • Oops (and thank fucking God).

  • Suddenly caught on the phone with my mom, I was unprepared. She nervously asked about the book, so I thought fast and lied: “Oh, no need to worry about that. Sorry! One of my friends goes to Rutgers and didn’t have access to Firestone, so I reserved it for him. He’s writing about depression and stuff.”

  • I was shocked out of my own delusion by a one-in-a-million accident. It was only then that I realized something: my death wasn’t just about me. It would completely destroy the lives of those I cared most about. I imagined my mom, who had no part in creating my thesis mess, suffering until her dying day, blaming herself.

  • The very next week, I decided to take the rest of my “year off” truly off (to hell with the thesis) and focus on physical and mental health. That’s how the entire “sumo” story of the 1999 Chinese Kickboxing (Sanshou) Championships came to be, if you’ve read The 4-Hour Workweek.

  • Months later, after focusing on my body instead of being trapped in my head, things were much clearer. Everything seemed more manageable. The “hopeless” situation seemed like shitty luck but nothing permanent.

  • I returned to Princeton, turned in my now-finished thesis to my still-sour advisor, got chewed up in my thesis defense, and didn’t give a fuck. It wasn’t the best thesis he’d ever read, nor the best thing I’d ever written, but I had moved on.

  • Many thanks are due to a few people who helped me regain my confidence that final semester. None of them have heard this story, but I’d like to give them credit here. Among others: My parents and family (of course), Professor Ed Zschau, Professor John McPhee, Sympoh dance troupe, and my friends at the amazing Terrace Food Club.

  • I graduated with the class of 2000, and bid goodbye to Nassau Hall. I rarely go back, as you might imagine.

Given the purported jump in “suicidal gestures” at Princeton and its close cousins (Harvard appears to have 2x the national average for undergrad suicides), I hope the administration is taking things seriously.  If nearly half of your student population reports feeling depressed, there might be systemic issues to fix.

Left unfixed, you’ll have more dead kids on your hands, guaranteed.

It’s not enough to wait for people to reach out, or to request that at-risk kids take a leave of absence “off the clock” of the university.

Perhaps regularly reach out to the entire student body to catch people before they fall?  It could be as simple as email.

[Sidenote: After graduating, I promised myself that I would never write anything longer than an email ever again. Pretty hilarious that I now write 500-plus-page books, eh?]

 

OUT OF THE DARKNESS

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage…”

– Lao Tzu

First, let me give a retrospective analysis of my near obliteration.  Then, I’ll give you a bunch of tools and tricks that I still use for keeping the darkness at arm’s length.

Now, at this point, some of you might also be thinking “That’s it?! A Princeton student was at risk of getting a bad grade? Boo-fuckin’-hoo, man. Give me a break…”

But… that’s the entire point.  It’s easy to blow things out of proportion, to get lost in the story you tell yourself, and to think that your entire life hinges on one thing you’ll barely remember 5-10 years later. That seemingly all-important thing could be a bad grade, getting into college, a relationship, a divorce, getting fired, or just a bunch of hecklers on the Internet.

So, back to our story–why didn’t I kill myself?

Below are the realizations that helped me (and a few friends).  They certainly won’t work for everyone suffering from depression, but my hope is that they help some of you.

1. Call this number : 1 (800) 273-8255. I didn’t have it, and I wish I had. It’s the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (website and live chat here). It’s available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, in both English and Spanish.

If you’re outside of the US, please click here for a list of international hotlines.

Sometimes, it just takes one conversation with one rational person to stop a horrible irrational decision. If you’re considering ending your life, please reach out to them.  If you’re too embarrassed to admit that, as I was, then you can ping them “just to chat for a few minutes.” Pretend you’re killing time or testing different suicide hotlines for a directory you’re compiling. Whatever works.

Speaking personally, I want to see the gifts you have to offer the world. And speaking from personal experience, believe me: this too shall pass, whatever it is.

2. I realized it would destroy other people’s lives. Killing yourself can spiritually kill other people.

Even if you’re not lucky enough, as I was, to feel loved by other people, I think this is worth meditating on.

Your death is not perfectly isolated. It can destroy a lot, whether your family (who will blame themselves), other loved ones, or simply the law enforcement officers or coroners who have to haul your death mask-wearing carcass out of an apartment or the woods. The guaranteed outcome of suicide is NOT things improving for you (or going blank), but creating a catastrophe for others. Even if your intention is to get revenge through suicide, the damage won’t be limited to your targets.

A friend once told me that killing yourself is like taking your pain, multiplying it 10x, and giving it to the ones who love you.  I agree with this, but there’s more.  Beyond any loved ones, you could include neighbors, innocent bystanders exposed to your death, and people — often kids — who commit “copycat suicides” when they read about your demise. This is the reality, not the cure-all fantasy, of suicide.

If think about killing yourself, imagine yourself wearing a suicide bomber’s vest of explosives and walking into a crowd of innocents.

That’s effectively what it is.  Even if you “feel” like no one loves you or cares about you, you are most likely loved–and most definitely lovable and worthy of love.

3. There’s no guarantee that killing yourself improves things!

In a tragically comic way, this was a depressing realization when I was considering blowing my head off or getting run over.  Damnation!  No guarantees.  Death and taxes, yes, but not a breezy afterlife.

The “afterlife” could be 1,000x worse than life, even at its worst.  No one knows. I personally believe that consciousness persists after physical death, and it dawned on me that I literally had zero evidence that my death would improve things. It’s a terrible bet. At least here, in this life, we have known variables we can tweak and change. The unknown void could be Dante’s Inferno or far worse. When we just “want the pain to stop,” it’s easy to forget this. You simply don’t know what’s behind door #3.

In our desperation, we often just don’t think it through. It’s kind of like the murder-suicide joke by one of my favorite comics, Demetri Martin:

“Someone who commits a murder-suicide is probably somebody who isn’t thinking through the afterlife. Bam! You’re dead. Bam! I’m dead. Oh shit … this is going to be awkward forever.”

4. Tips from friends, related to #2 above.

For some of my friends (all high achievers, for those wondering), a “non-suicide vow” is what made all the difference. Here is one friend’s description:

“It only mattered when I made a vow to the one person in my life I knew I would never break it to [a sibling]. It’s powerful when you do that. All of a sudden, this option that I sometimes played around in my mind, it was off the table. I would never break a vow to my brother, ever. After the vow and him accepting it, I’ve had to approach life in a different way. There is no fantasy escape hatch. I’m in it. In the end, making a vow to him is the greatest gift I could have given myself.”

As silly as it might sound, it’s sometimes easier to focus on keeping your word, and avoiding hurting someone, than preserving your own life.

And that’s OK. Use what works first, and you can fix the rest later. If you need to disguise a vow out of embarrassment (“How would I confess that to a friend?!”), find a struggling friend to make a mutual “non-suicide vow” with.  Make it seem like you’re only trying to protect him or her. Still too much? Make it a “mutual non-self-hurt” vow with a friend who beats themselves up.

Make it about him or her as much as you.

If you don’t care about yourself, make it about other people.

Make a promise you can’t break, or at the very least realize this: killing yourself will destroy other people’s lives.

 

PRACTICAL GREMLIN DEFENSE

Now, let’s talk day-to-day tactics.

The fact of the matter is this: if you’re driven, an entrepreneur, a type-A personality, or a hundred other things, mood swings are part of your genetic hardwiring.  It’s a blessing and a curse.

Below are a number of habits and routines that help me. They might seem simplistic, but they keep me from careening too far off the tracks.  They are my defense against the abyss. They might help you find your own, or use them as a starting point.

Most of this boxed text is from a previous post on “productivity ‘hacks’ for the neurotic, manic-depressive, and crazy (like me)“, but I’ve added a few things:

Most “superheroes” are nothing of the sort. They’re weird, neurotic creatures who do big things DESPITE lots of self-defeating habits and self-talk.

Here are some of my coping mechanisms for making it through the day:

1) Wake up at least 1 hour before you have to be at a computer screen. E-mail is the mind killer.

2) Make a cup of tea (I like pu-erh like this) and sit down with a pen/pencil and paper.

3) Write down the 3-5 things — and no more — that are making you most anxious or uncomfortable. They’re often things that have been punted from one day’s to-do list to the next, to the next, to the next, and so on. Most important usually = most uncomfortable, with some chance of rejection or conflict.

4) For each item, ask yourself:

– “If this were the only thing I accomplished today, would I be satisfied with my day?”

– “Will moving this forward make all the other to-do’s unimportant or easier to knock off later?”

5) Look only at the items you’ve answered “yes” to for at least one of these questions.

6) Block out at 2-3 hours to focus on ONE of them for today. Let the rest of the urgent but less important stuff slide. It will still be there tomorrow.

7) TO BE CLEAR: Block out at 2-3 HOURS to focus on ONE of them for today. This is ONE BLOCK OF TIME. Cobbling together 10 minutes here and there to add up to 120 minutes does not work.

8) If you get distracted or start procrastinating, don’t freak out and downward spiral; just gently come back to your ONE to-do.

9) Physically MOVE for at least 20 minutes each day. Go for a long walk, lift weights, take a free online yoga class (YouTube), anything. Ideally, get outside. I was once asked by friend for advice on overcoming debilitating stress. The answer I repeated over and over again was: “Remember to EXERCISE daily. That is 80% of the battle.”

10) Follow a diet that prevents wild blood sugar swings. This means avoiding grains and refined carbohydrates most of the time. I follow the slow-carb diet with one cheat day per week and have done so for 10+ years.  Paleo also works great. Don’t forget to eat plenty of fat. High protein and low fat can give you low-grade symptoms of rabbit starvation.

11) Schedule at least one group dinner with friends per week.  Get it on the calendar no later than 5pm on Monday.  Ideal to have at least three people, but two is still great medicine.

12) Take a minute each day to call or email someone to express gratitude of some type. Consider someone you haven’t spoken with in a long time.  It can be a one-line text or a 5-second voicemail.

Congratulations! That’s it.

Those are the rules I use, and they help steer the ship in the right direction.

Routines are the only way I can feel “successful” despite my never-ending impulse to procrastinate, hit snooze, nap, and otherwise fritter away my days with bullshit. If I have 10 “important” things to do in a day, I’ll feel overwhelmed, and it’s 100% certain nothing important will get done that day. On the other hand, I can usually handle 1 must-do item and block out my lesser behaviors for 2-3 hours a day.

And when — despite your best efforts — you feel like you’re losing at the game of life, never forget: Even the best of the best feel this way sometimes. When I’m in the pit of despair with new book projects, I recall what iconic writer Kurt Vonnegut said about his process: “When I write, I feel like an armless, legless man with a crayon in his mouth.”

Don’t overestimate the world and underestimate yourself. You are better than you think.

TO WRAP UP THIS LONG-ASS POST

My “perfect storm” was nothing permanent.

If we let the storms pass and choose to reflect, we come out better than ever. In the end, regardless of the fucked up acts of others, we have to reach within ourselves and grow. It’s our responsibility to ourselves and–just as critical–to those who love and surround us.

You have gifts to share with the world.

You are not alone.

You are not flawed.

You are human.

And when the darkness comes, when you are fighting the demons, just remember: I’m right there fighting with you.

The gems I’ve found were forged in the struggle. Never ever give up.

Much love,

Tim

P.S. If you have tips that have helped you overcome or manage depression, please share in the comments. I would love for this post to become a growing resource for people. I will also do my best to improve it over time. Thank you.


Additional Resources:

If you occasionally struggle like me, these resources, videos, and articles might help you rebound. I watch the video of Nick Vujicic quite often, just as a reminder of how fortunate I am:

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – 1 (800) 273-8255 (website and live chat here). It’s available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, in both English and Spanish. Outside the US? Please click here for a list of international hotlines.

My recent interview with Derek Halpern – The core of the conversation is about how to overcome struggle and the above suicide-related story, but it also includes business strategies and other lessons learned.  My apologies for the weird lip smacking, which is a nervous tic. I thought I’d fixed it, but these stories brought it back 🙂

15-Minute Audio from Tony Robbins I asked Tony for his thoughts on suicide. He responded with a very insightful audio clip, recorded while in the air. It covers a lot, and the hilarious anecdote about the raw-foodist mom at the end alone makes it worth a listen. NOTE: Of course, NEVER stop taking anti-depressants or any medicine without medical supervision. That is not what Tony is recommending.

Listen in the player above, or download by right-clicking here and choosing “save as.”

The Prescription for Self-Doubt? Watch This Short Video (Nick Vujicic)

Harnessing Entrepreneurial Manic-Depression: Making the Rollercoaster Work for You

Two Root Causes of My Recent Depression – This article is by Brad Feld, one of my favorite start-up investors and a world-class entrepreneur in his own right. It’s just more proof that you’re not alone. Even the best out there feel hopeless at times.  It can be beaten.

Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach.  This book is not nearly as woo-woo as it might seem.  It was recommended to me by a neuroscience PhD who said it changed her life, then by another cynical friend who said the same.  It is one of the most useful books I’ve read in the last two years.  It’s easy to digest, and I suggest one short chapter before bed each night.  For those of us who beat ourselves up, it’s a godsend.

The Tim Ferriss Show is one of the most popular podcasts in the world with over 400 million downloads. It has been selected for "Best of Apple Podcasts" three times, it is often the #1 interview podcast across all of Apple Podcasts, and it's been ranked #1 out of 400,000+ podcasts on many occasions. To listen to any of the past episodes for free, check out this page.

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1,216 Replies to “Some Practical Thoughts on Suicide”

  1. Tim, I’m a big fan of your podcasts and books. I’m a mum of 3 and with my last baby suffered post natal depression. I can’t stress how important it is to talk to someone. I used a phone service specifically for mums and it was a life saver. Can’t agree more about thinking of your loved ones and what your actions will do to their lives. This is one of your best posts!

  2. I’ve been a nurse and social worker now administrator in mental health for 30 years. Stigma is the biggest barrier for people seeking help. Thank you for helping to break down that barrier. Help is available. People recover. Please ask for help when you need it.

  3. You are one of the only non-musicians that I consider an idol. Thanks for your help, I hope someday I can help many ppl as you do.

  4. no matter what, get sleep, at least 8 hours. crucial. eat healthfully as you recommend, and go no more than 3 hours without eating. make sure to take nutritional supplementation to feed your nervous system i.e. full B-complex, magnesium, herbal support, etc. exercise daily is like making sure you sleep and eat. A MUST!

  5. This is likely the most important thing you have or maybe will ever write. Thank you.

    I can guarantee that it will save at least one life and as the proverb goes, “He who saves a life, saves the world.”

    My heart goes out to all the people – family, friends, strangers, and first responders – who have witnessed the tragic ending of a life by suicide.

  6. Tim,

    I’m am truly grateful for you sharing such a deeply personal story like this in such a truly reflective and solution focused way. The more people who ‘have a voice’ such as yourself that do this will create a space for those ‘without a voice’ to feel comfortable in sharing their story.

    Mental health issues, be it illness or crisis, are so widely prevalent but too rarely talked about openly and I believe the more often you tell this story the stronger part of the change you will be.

    I’m undertaking my own piece of work around this in the New Zealand construction industry, where I work, that has the highest rate of suicide in a country that has the highest suicide rate per capita in the OECD. It will be slow going but reducing the number year on year is vital for the future of the industry and our men.

    Thank you for being an amazing person Tim. Thank you for sharing your mind and story with us. Thank you.

    Miranda – NZ

  7. I love you, every time I come across your stuff, it touches a deep place in my heart. Thank you for all your material. Btw I just discovered Andrew Weil’s breathing exercises and sure enough I get to the bottom of this post and see an interview you did with him. You’re the best Tim.

  8. Thanks Tim. This is just so un-talked about, even though I’m sure ts so much more common in people who have ‘made it’. Thanks for the courage to admit it, I’m sure it will help many individuals suffering but also help break the stigma

  9. I’ve lost my brother & my father to Suicide & although I’m not going that way, I’d like to see

    People gather together to unite our resources

    For this awareness issue and to help people find the healing they need

  10. I was at the same school and same place in ‘99. Late Feb through early April of that year were the toughest times of my whole life. So glad we both came out on the other side. Love, light and respect.

  11. Fantastic post Tim, thank you. Many similarities for me with the culmination of my university education sending me spiralling into a 10-15 year battle with depression. I feel the tide tide is changing on society’s attitude towards depression, we are starting to help each other more and more. Writing and sharing stories like this is a massive help for so many of us. Peace and love. Mike

  12. Thank you for sharing. I am, and have been, in a dark season of my life for some time now. I am well aware of how easy it is to forget that others are experiencing similar scenarios, and am guilty of doing just that. However, when I see someone such as yourself, whom I perceive to be an individual who has their proverbial shit together, admit to their struggles – that speaks to me. It not only makes you seem much more “real”, but it also reminds me that I am not alone. I have admired you for your accomplishments and perceived uniqueness for years. Now I admire you even more for admitting to those weaknesses and using them to help others. I am one of those others and I cannot thank you enough.

  13. Tim, thanks so much for sharing such an important and incredible message. I will be sharing this with the people I know and love. You are right on the mark with your message on everything. Ganel Lynn Condie, another motivational speaker also speaks about this very important message that suicide in fact changes the lives of those family members and friends left behind. I’ve experienced suicidal thoughts myself and have had a couple of friends commit such. I now realize there is so much to life and have chosen to stay. Mental illness is indeed tough, it’s a matter of making the most out of life with such.

  14. Tim thank you so much for this. I’m finding myself in a strikingly similar situation. In my senior year of undergrad at a university in Canada, I’m waitlisted for my dream law school. Everything I sacrificed to win in academia now feels wasted because I have to ride a wave of uncertainty and no good alternatives I’ve given myself in terms of a backup plan, I contemplated suicide for a while considering myself a failure. However reading this, Buckminster Fuller’s moments when he contemplated suicide, and opening up and telling someone about it has steered me away from the final solution.

    Thank you for steering me in the right direction.

  15. Thank you, Tim!

    If I did not embrace comedy/humor, I would have been a goner. In what I consider as one of the darkest time of my life, the show The Big Bang Theory saved me. Subsequently, my growing interest in stand-up comedy and American talk shows (Conan, The Daily Show, and YouTube videos of Johnny Carson featuring Don Rickles) carried and lifted me throughout the many failures that followed.

  16. Hi Tim,

    Thanks for sharing. I’m glad you’re speaking out to help others.

    My former triathlon coach committed suicide and it still makes me sad.

    His girlfriend wrote a book about him and the proceeds go to benefit an organization that helps veterans.

    [Moderator: link sensitively removed, due only to blog policy.]

    Keep up the good work,

    Tim

  17. Thank you for your post!! I just came across it on LinkedIn. This really impacted me. Thank you for being brave to share your story and your practical defenses! Is it so similar to my own. I didn’t know ‘successful’ people also dealt with only being able to deal with 1 to-do per day. Despite what I’ve learned about depression, I still label myself as lazy because I can get paralyzed with an average person’s to-do list, which only adds to the snowball of shame and lack of self-confidence. Hearing you have similar struggles will help me stop being so hard on myself. One thing I did want to point out, when I copied the link to this story, to share with someone, the URL address includes “how-to-commit-suicide”. It would probably be best if it used post title “Some Practicle Thoughts on Suicide”.

  18. It’s not a popular opinion but I believe people should have the right (lawfully and culturally) to commit suicide. It would go a long way to removing its stigma. If it were considered a right, not something shameful, perhaps my mother and brother would have spoken out and not committed suicide. If suicide were condoned then people would discuss their suicidal wishes more openly. If people didn’t have to risk confinement in mental hospitals they would speak about the desire more openly, leading to more counseling or at least sayong goodbye. It would mean so much for me to get to say goodbye. And if suicide were legally assisted rules could be put in place about counseling and notifying family, and I might have. It’s a fact of life that everyone dies and thus you will lose everyone. It’s a painful truth to accept. Let’s not pretend that all you have to do is ask for help and everything is is guaranteed to improve. For those who get abandoned and have no support, you say don’t do it, suffer so others can not lose you a little longer. I’m not sure that’s fair. I set my mother and brother free. Freedom is the biggest and most important act of love you can give to another. Cherish them while they wish to be around, love them when they leave. Just my 2¢. You might say I have some experience.

    Thanks for the post. I commend your courage. Also, I Want to clarify that I am not encouraging suicide. It is a major factor in my own struggle with suicidal ideation. But if it is not condoned, then sharing your suicidal thoughts feels like risking losing the ability to exit the pain. Many people (myself included) prefer to keep access to the freedom to commit suicide than risk losing it by sharing their thoughts with others. Suicide in these circumstances results of unfinished business and a lack of preemptory counseling. Condoning suicide with a rule of counseling and notifying loved ones will have the effect of more people accessing help or at least saying goodbye which would decrease the pain in the wake of the suicide. Telling people not to commit suicide is missing the point. People don’t want to die, they want to enjoy life. But life isn’t good for everyone, right? So telling them they have to keep suffering just won’t work. Instead, tell them that you will do whatever can be done to maximize their happiness, where happiness exists on a spectrum of happy to miserable, and if the best that can be accomplished is suicide to prevent misery, you won’t remove the option. Then the real conversation starts.

  19. Dear Tim Ferris, you have got to know you didn’t fail anyone. You really didn’t fail anyone. It would have been totally fine not to share this ever, the amount of grief you went through- it doesn’t ever have to be shared. we are glad that you did. But you have to know, you didn’t fail anyone. You didn’t fail anyone. You really truly did not fail anyone by not sharing your deepest heartache. You really didn’t. Wishing you all the best. 🙂

  20. Whenever I feel really down in despair I find riling my 3 little kids up by shouting ‘never retreat, never surrender!!’ And then they start smiling and laughing and repeating it. I find it does 2 things 1. Reminds me I have 3 little kids who love me and who I love and need me, and 2) hopefully instils in them in a comical way that they should ‘never retreat, never surrender’. I’m an entrepreneur that’s had ups and downs and almost felt like I’d lost in life. Please anyone think to yourself ‘never retreat, never surrender’ and to me that doesn’t mean you have to finish whatever bs is getting you to feel so bad but to never retreat from the big game of life, it doesn’t matter if you bankrupt yourself, just remember you can and WILL come back. I’ve never told anyone that’s why I shout that out, so welcome to it world…

  21. Thank you for sharing your story. It is very well written and worth sharing around the world.

    What helped me was seeing a Doctor and getting on the right medication, after many failed attempts with previous medications. Going to Church was a big help. And forcing myself to be around people even when it was the last thing I wanted to do, helped to pull me out. I also called close friends to share what I was going through and they would bring me back to myself.

    At my worst, I was homeless, had been left by a man I loved with all my heart, which made me feel completely insecure and lost.Most of my family had rejected me as well, so I had to send my child to family because I couldn’t function well enough to even take care of my own kid. Sure, there were days…moments, that I wanted to die. I felt like a loser and burden. I felt guilty even eating food the homeless shelter offered.

    It took time, and a lot of hard work. But I did get myself out of the hole I was deeply buried in. Now I have a GREAT job, am feeling stronger and more confident. I still struggle sometimes but have tools now to help and bring me back to thinking more on the light rather than the dark. I recommend CBT. That was a big push to get me thinking in a way that creates positive progress.

    Please don’t give up, whoever you are out there. It gets better, I promise. Find what works for you.

    God Bless!

  22. Tim, finding your podcast has led me to many wonders, the first one being about the research being done with psychedelics and depression which I listened to last year. I have eliminated most other podcasts because I find such value in paying attention to yours, and because being in a severe depression has my brain slowed down to where I can’t take too much input. Reading this article just now had tears forming in my eyes in recognition of your recognition. It means so much to have someone I admire tell his truth. Thank you…I am hoping I get to a place of entering life fully again soon. Betsy Bradfield

  23. Beautifully said and so important to hear. Just the thought “Don’t overestimate the world and underestimate yourself. You are better than you think” really drove it home. We love you Tim Ferriss.

  24. Thank you this was incredibly important for me.. I needed to be told of the damage that this can cause. I cried a lot thinking about how devastated my mother and brother and relatives and friends would be. The pain my mum would have to endure at my funeral is too much to bear. I couldn’t do that. I’d rather live and make sure those around me can live at least more joyously than devastate them. I do want to have hope and a better future. It’s just so scary that I can’t really think of how it could be better. But like you said.. got to wait for the storm to pass and stop giving into my shitty harmful thinking. I hate this shitty thinking ruining my life. It should just piss off and go to hell and stop destroying lives. There’s a lot we can live for. We got to keep going please.. pls don’t give up everybody. I know how insufferable the pain can b.. but please.. we can make it pls

  25. This was a great article, Tim. Thanks for being so reflective and open about your experiences. I am a literacy educator, and it breaks my heart to hear of teens and college students who believe that suicide is the only way out. This is a poem that I wish I could send to everyone who is thinking about suicide:

    If I can stop one heart from breaking,
    I shall not live in vain;
    If I can ease one life the aching,
    Or cool one pain,
    Or help one fainting robin
    Unto his nest again,
    I shall not live in vain.

    Emily Dickinson

  26. Thanks for all your great work. It would be great to see published dates on your blog posts because I believe that would provide good time perspective for us readers. Peace!

  27. Thank you for sharing such a powerful post and for being so damn honest that others in this global community feel that they can share their experiences too. Years ago, a friend of mine J committed suicide when she was only 20 years old. She had barely begun to live her adult life. That is something that has stayed with me for a long time.

    I live in a country that has the highest youth suicide rate in the Western world and I hope that we keep pushing for solutions in the area of mental health and never, ever stop.

    From my own personal experience with mental health issues, these are things that have helped me (combining with exercise, healthy eating, socialising, medication if you need it):

    1) Personal power: Moving from a disempowering position to an empowering one. It seems obvious, but some people who suffer from depression may have been in disempowering positions in their life for such a long time that they do not recognise it. Approaching life from an empowering position and operating from there helps to prevent that downward spiral. Just practising that in every area of your life, so that you end doing it automatically.

    2) Problem-solving: I think that children should be taught this in school as maybe it would help them in the future. Knowing that there are multiple solutions to every problem and being able to solve problems before they snowball helps prevent stressful emotions. Knowing which problem to solve too – if you solve a big one, you can eliminate alot of smaller ones.

    3) Truly know yourself: What is your dominant way of moving through the world? It’s helpful if you know that to see how you can balance that with your other senses so you don’t get overwhelmed. You can also figure out other peoples dominant styles, which makes it easier not to take things personally.

    4) Universal connection: I feel that depression breeds on isolation and this separateness creates despair. I feel that, especially now in our world, we need a powerful connection not just to our loved ones, but to strangers globally and to the natural environment around us.

    5) Keep going deeper into the positive spaces: Relaxing into those positive spaces in your life and just to keep going even if things do not make sense, work out etc. Some of it won’t, but just keep going. Some people need purpose, passion and meaning in their lives and inspiring things to anchor them in this world. Figure out an upward spiral that is difficult to break.

    You are powerful. For J x

  28. PODCAST HAS BEEN ERASED!!!!!!!

    Sorry to use all caps for attention. But the fact is, the podcast mentioned twice in this article (in which Derek Halpern interviews Tim) is no longer available, and my internet searching skills didn’t manage to find a copy.

    The transcript is still available, but it’s not the same.

    I think THE INTERNET deserves to have this podcast. If anyone has it please post a link. it has to be in someone’s computer. I wrote the podcast owner but I’m afraid he may have lost it (yes, this things happen).

    YELP!

      1. Thanks man, now it works everywhere.
        J

        I’m a father of 2 kids and for years I’ve wanted to pass on to you the bullet points on what I’ve learned about having kids. I’m not looking for help, a plug, a promo, a book deal, friendship, money, support, a job, a coffee, or anything else. Just to pass you the bullet points of the painfully learned general lessons, just in case you ever want to have children, or want to understand childhood (something that really puts things into perspective). Again, I don’t want anything. I just had to do huge research to rise mine, because I didn’t know shit, and have a few conclusions that fit into two pages. If by any odd chance you want to see it, just write me one line to the email I submitted for this and my prior message.